So who’s ashamed? What are they ashamed about? And why should we care? I would say we are all ashamed about something right this very minute. Maybe you spend so much time at work you rarely see your kids/spouse. Maybe you cheated on that test at school. Or, perhaps you snapped at someone who was only trying to help you. Sometimes feeling shame is good- it means you have a conscience and if you’re fortunate, the problem is easily remedied. But all too often, that feeling of shame only exacerbates the problem.
Let’s talk about sex. Sex education in school left me feeling like abstinence was the only acceptable option. It didn’t do me much good however when I was 14 and begged my boyfriend not to get me pregnant prior to losing my virginity to him- not a good method of birth control by any standard! But the reason I was so determined to give myself away? I was ashamed. Dad had found a letter I wrote to my best friend about my first kiss. Between that and my heavy makeup, my dad was convinced I was a whore. After a year of this I decided to prove him right.
Years later, when I was 19 I had an affair with a married man. Sure, I was much younger- he was 35, and yeah, he lied about only being in his marriage for the sake of his son, but I still knew right from wrong. The affair lasted 9 months until I ended it. Without a doubt, it was one of the lowest points of my life. If there had been any doubt I was going to hell, this sealed the deal in my mind!
What happened next was my downward spiral into drugs. I didn’t figure anyone would care if I overdosed, and drugs have this magical, if not totally bogus way of making you feel that dying while doing them is an amazing way to exit out of this world. But I knew better than to get involved in drugs when I was a kid, so what the hell happened? I was ashamed.
How could I do something so terrible? You don’t have many people you can talk to when you are sleeping with a married man. You will be judged, and severely. The only people who weren’t judging me were the druggies, whom I met at work.. The only time they would judge me is down the road when I was trying to quit drugs, and quit them.
The lady who got me into drugs was a lesbian. By no means am I saying that all gay people are into drugs, but in her case I think the judgments she faced made drugs more appealing to cope with life. This is a topic where religion often comes into play, and though some churches embrace the gay community, most do not. I can’t imagine being told I’m destined to burn in hell simply for existing. How many gay people end their lives (often as teenagers), because of shame? Not even because they’ve committed any crime, but because who they were born to be? I could have easily lost my own life over shame, so I will never contribute to/condone this intolerance. Love is not and should never be a crime…
How about obesity? Most of us know someone (ourselves?) who is battling a weight problem. How often have they felt guilty about eating something, only to binge later on when no one is around? Or lose weight only to gain it all back.? Probably too many times to count. But shame, although sometimes motivating, usually causes the cycle to perpetuate. We all feel it at some point, but rarely does anything good ever come of it.
So what’s the answer? I doubt there’s any one size fits all solution here, but for me the most beneficial thing has been the ability to forgive myself. It has come with years of therapy and self-reflection, but I am all the better for it. IF YOU ARE CONSUMED WITH SHAME, YOU CONVINCE YOURSELF YOU DON’T DESERVE HAPPINESS, SUCCESS OR THE ABILITY TO OVERCOME YOUR OBSTACLES. It’s not what others think of you, it’s about what you think of you.
I find great beauty and power in not trying to control other people- all I can control is myself. It may seem trivial at first, but at the end of the day- hell, at the end of our lives, let’s be able to say we weren’t controlled by our shame. If we’re really living right (in my opinion), we thought twice before causing others to feel that shame as well…