So dumb is a bit harsh, and if I heard another person say they felt that way it would break my heart. Let’s just say at times I feel intellectually inadequate. It’s funny- those who know me would never guess that I struggle in this way. Especially those who know me from work. There I’m the go to person- the one with the answers. I have lots of experience and as long as I’m in my bubble, I exude confidence.
But I’ve never ventured out to do new things. In my almost 18 years in my current place of employment, I’ve always done the same job. Part of this is because I crave stability and comfort. It was easier stress wise and above all, safer.
Safer than what, you might ask? It’s safer than doing something I’m not familiar with and looking/feeling stupid. The irony is that when you refrain from learning and doing new things, you stagnate, thus inevitably feeling less sharp and losing your zest for life.
My husband is brilliant and motivated and always exploring new things. I used to compare myself to him, which only made the feelings of inadequacy worse. He’s never intentionally made me feel this way, but he does keep me on my toes, so to speak. It can be awkward during those rare moments when I must interact with his co-workers. However, give me some wine, and I’ll B.S my way into many an intellectual conversation and do it well- as far as I can tell or remember.
Don’t get me wrong, there are many ways of measuring intelligence: there are book smarts, street smarts and common sense, to name a few.
I was in honors English in high school, but I dropped out my senior year. I did go back and graduate, but they lightened my academic load so as to keep the graduation rate high. I took a writing class at a local community college, which I never completed. I came to the conclusion that school just wasn’t for me.
Somehow despite some pretty tough times, I never seemed to develop street smarts. I’m not sure how one acquires them, but I’m pretty positive I was gone the day they were handed out.
Then there’s common sense. I don’t tend to skip lessons due to having this innate sense. I have to learn things the hard way-pretty much every time.
I do recall having a friend over and telling them “ I’m glad I don’t have a smart phone because it would probably be smarter than me.” To which my husband replied “ Honey you do own a smart phone.” I don’t know that I’ll ever recover from that!
As far as strengths go, I will say that I have a fair amount of emotional intelligence. I’ve been through a lot and I can relate to a lot. I’m willing to open up to people and in turn, I’m usually pretty good at getting people to open up to me.
Also, I’m fascinated by health and wellness and I love learning about Buddhism and Asian methods of healing. I have a very positive outlook on life and I’m excited at the prospect of getting better/healthier with age.
So, in all fairness it’s more accurate to say that I’m different than I’m dumb. However, putting my insecurities out there is a way for me to make them my bitch, own them and move on.
I don’t fit into a typical mold, or fall into a certain category that’s easily defined. It used to bother me, but now I look at things with a sense of humor instead of letting them diminish my self worth. I don’t consider myself to be an intellectual, and that’s okay. I don’t need to be. However, I do need to like who I am and be proud of that when look in the mirror. Every day is a chance/opportunity to learn and grow. Now that at thirty nine, I’m learning to be more comfortable in my own skin, I’m a lot more likely to take that chance:)