That last entry would’ve been perfect, wouldn’t it? All our problems seemingly gone and nothing but hope and sunshine in our future. Makes for a great movie/novel, but it isn’t real life. Real life has ups and downs. When I first had struggles in my marriage a decade ago, I couldn’t find any information about specifically what I was going through. When your desire for your spouse is gone, can you ever get it back? I’ve yet to hear of a case where it has come back. A year and a half ago, I asked our sex therapist point blank “Can this marriage be saved, or am I in denial?” She told me as long as we wanted the same things, there was always hope. She was the one who also said I had to be clear about things getting better in a year or we should move on- it was scary, but we both felt the line in the sand was necessary. And, things did get better.
In most ways we are closer and happier than we’ve ever been. We eat healthier, we meditate and we talk all the time. We spend lots of quality time together and dream about the future. What we don’t do is have sex. Our culture demonizes sex and discussions thereof. So this is considered TMI. But I know I’m not alone, so here it is anyway. It turns out, that when you go long periods of time without sex your body shuts down. It often becomes more difficult to orgasm and even masturbation can quit producing orgasm.
I’ve been seeing a functional practitioner to help with this. He said that when it’s gets to the point of having no interest in sex it is then a physiological problem. He put me on pharmaceutical grade supplements to get me back on track, warning that it could take many months before I see positive affects. I also went off the pill, which I’d been on for 25 years!
This morning I broke down in tears because all I want in this world is to desire the man who means more to me than anything, and as of yet I don’t. Most people would’ve thrown in the towel by now, or had numerous affairs. I’m no saint- I’ve made mistakes. We’ve worked through it all in counseling and been brutally honest about ourselves. All I know is that our marriage is worth fighting for, and I won’t quit until I’ve done all I can to make it work.
Will could decide tomorrow he’s had enough. There are no guarantees in life- sometimes you keep putting one foot in front of the other and do the best you can. I will keep you posted…
UPDATE:
I’ve been reading through my articles about my marriage and I think I should clarify some things. First, is that for a long time I felt torn between sex and love. I love my husband more than anything in the world- I would die for him today without hesitation. I never thought I’d be happier or better off with another man. There have been many times when I thought Will would be better off without me. I simply felt sex with another man would be better- or at least the thought of it made me feel alive again in that way. Of course newness is always exciting and enticing – the whole grass is greener concept, but the topic of sex really just pisses me off. I say that because I was molested at the age of five. I could even orgasm- though I knew it was horribly wrong and unacceptable. I would do this throughout my childhood, but always with a tinge of guilt- always feeling bad about it and myself. I lost my virginity at a young age and could/did sleep with whomever I wanted. I had all this sexual freedom, but no idea what “good” sex was. It was all about pleasing the guy because when you think that’s all you’re good for, your own needs have little value. Now I’m in a healthy and loving relationship and the only issue? Sex. Yes, it’s more complicated than that, but it’s still my damn Achilles’ heel! There was a time when I even tried to convince myself that sex wasn’t important ( now that is denial ), and if I had to choose between sex and love I choose love. But there’s a reason some of the most powerful people in the world have fallen prey to others’ sexual advances; sex is a potent drug and it’s vital to a healthy relationship. It will also eventually bite you in the ass if you are in denial about it- like any other problem, really.
I recently found out from my functional doctor that I have extremely low testosterone. For example, normal total testosterone levels for a female are 125- mine is at 10. So, I’m taking a testosterone supplement to help get that on track as well. I’ve also discovered books by Sheri Winston who is a sex teacher/expert- no lie, the woman can orgasm with only breathing techniques! So, I’m exploring that avenue along with orgasmic meditation. I’m frustrated, but also hopeful in learning that there is a whole world of information out there to help with womens’ sexual dysfunction, and of course the hope that the medical aspects of my situation will be remedied.
You may be wondering what ever happened after the pizza box episode last October. We were able to resolve our issues with trust after Will basically had what I would call an early mid-life crisis. He felt he’d been living a lie- working a job that doesn’t suit him and always having to think/be/perform at a higher level than those around him. He would often correct people to feel superior to them and had a very hard time admitting mistakes or faults. He put all this pressure on himself to be perfect, so he would rebel with food and then cover it up because the shame of it was too much to admit. He always did what was expected of him – go to college and be an engineer- without asking himself if it was what he truly wanted. Now, he’s exploring other career opportunities and he’s open and honest with me about everything. I believe he finally overcame the barriers that held him back for so long. He no longer corrects me and he has made peace with his faults, owning up to them and even admitting when I am right 🙂
When I read our story I thought “ things don’t look good for us do they?” And on paper they don’t. But here we are, still working at this. We’re both overcoming our shame for the ways we’ve handled our problems, but we aren’t running or pointing fingers. We’re in this and I hope it truly is for the long haul. Either way, I’ll always be grateful for the years we’ve had: the good times and bad. This may sound really corny, but I always said Will was my reward for surviving my childhood. He gave me unconditional love, safety and stability. He makes me want to be a better person- he makes all this worth fighting for.