He told me to sit down and brace myself, because he had some disturbing news to tell me. I was 18 and promiscuity was my only vice. Until this moment, that vice had only claimed my self-esteem. Now it seemed to take a more cruel and lasting turn. He shared with me that after our one night stand he awoke the next morning to find sores on his genitals. Due to the timing and the fact he’d never had this occur before, he could only deduce that I was in fact the cause. In that moment my whole world seemed blurry and out of focus- like perhaps I could faint and kindly, never wake up. No such luck.
I had been residing with a coworker at the time. I remember begging him to let me stay with him- just for a month or so until I got on my feet. He was reluctant, for he had a roommate to consider. A couple days later he informed me that his roommate gave the all clear. It was Bill, his roommate whom I had slept with.
I immediately got in to see my gynecologist so I could get confirmation of my condition. What she told me blew me away. She explained that I had no STD’s. I told her about the situation with Bill and that I didn’t understand how this was possible. It was great news, however it didn’t seem feasible. She reasoned that it was likely Bill already had the herpes virus and that it had remained dormant until he slept with me. She said that I unequivocally did not have an STD.
So here it was, I had no symptoms and now by the grace of God, I still had my health in tact. What I didn’t have was a place to live. Understandably, once I told Bill all this, he was irate. He accused me of being in denial- even lying. That was a luxury he could now not afford. He had remained surprisingly calm when he initially broke the news of his herpes to me. Now there was hate in his eyes and I was the reason.
I tornado of emotions swept over me as I packed my stuff. I felt as though I had dodged a bullet and ruined a man’s life all at once. Gratitude and disgust battled for territory in my psyche.
As it turned out however, I still hadn’t learned my lesson. Funny thing about lessons- you keep encountering the scenarios over and over until you learn them.
Now I was 20 and had been experimenting with drugs for about a year. Cocaine, crank and meth had taken the place of promiscuity and I was convinced that they were better than sex anyhow. Because this way only I would get hurt if things went horribly wrong- at least that’s what I’d told myself. It was at my 21st birthday party when I met Devin. Drugs were plentiful- there was even a rhythm impaired stripper shaking his junk in my face, but it was Devin who caught my eye. We connected from the start. He was a deejay and I had always loved music- I even wrote song lyrics, so we bonded instantly. It wasn’t long before I combined drugs with unprotected sex. The bond we shared quickly faded when I realized he was simply an abusive druggie who would come to my apartment unannounced, demanding I let him in. He scared me and unfortunately I had let him in, by letting my guard down.
Soon after, I had my bi-annual pap test which showed pre-cancerous cells. I was also diagnosed with HPV. I quit doing drugs and had ended things with Devin prior to my diagnosis. I then got treated for my dysplasia. For the next several years, I got tested for cervical cancer every six months. Luckily, I didn’t have cancer because I caught it early. But I did have HPV and wondered who would ever want me now.
In the years that followed, I found that having HPV taught me a lot about myself and even more about other people. For example, I no longer felt right about casual sex. If I was intimate with someone it had to mean something- and I had to tell the person up front about my situation. It’s not easy to do, but since then I’ve had three long term relationships with some truly great guys- including my now husband. I found that I was capable of being loved and this diagnosis was not the scarlet letter I feared it would be.
I also learned that if you are sexually active, chances are you have HPV- it’s that common. I found that there are many strains of HPV and that the one I have can cause cervical cancer, but not outbreaks. I now test negative for HPV and have for several years. It’s not uncommon for the body to clear itself of HPV in time. Had I known about all this in the beginning, I wouldn’t have been so scared or felt like I was destined to spend my life alone. Now I know better. I hope that if you are dealing with an STD you know you are not alone, you are loved and you most certainly are not damaged goods:)