Okay, so this is one aspect of my childhood which I believe is a big contributing factor as to why I’m messed up sexually- even to this day- despite years and years of counseling…
My mom was a single mom who had a job as a waitress at this local Italian restaurant. She depended on a number of different people to watch me while she was at work. I’ll refer to them as “The bad babysitter’s club.” First, was this lady named Sharon, who seemed alright. She had kids of her own and honestly, I don’t remember much about her, except one particular time when she placed a bowl of what looked like green slime in front of me. Turns out it was pea soup, and I hated peas. Abhorred them in fact. Sharon did not care about my aversion to the dish in the slightest. I was told to eat it or get paddled. I was four and the importance of eating my veggies and the fact that children were starving in third world countries did little to inspire me. So, after hours of staring at/stirring my soup with minimal consumption, the paddle and my butt were united. I had been spanked, and whooped with a belt before, but the paddle was a new experience. By the time Mom picked me up, I was sobbing at the injustice of it all. She never took me back. Unfortunately, things were about to get worse- a lot worse.
Next up was Nikki. I don’t know how Mom knew her, but I can declare with utmost certainty, she was not qualified for the job of babysitting. I recall numerous instances of getting dropped off at her place and moments later being put down for a nap- with her having sex with her boyfriend in the bed next to me! I didn’t fully understand what was happening, but I knew it wasn’t normal; I knew it wasn’t right. I didn’t tell Mom about it. I don’t think I had the words. Didn’t matter, soon I was on to the next babysitter.
Danny was the son of my mother’s friend. He was somewhere in the neighborhood of sixteen. Mom would drop me off and soon thereafter, deafening heavy metal music would echo throughout the tiny ranch style house. Danny had a younger brother who was there, but not there. He always seemed to be playing video games or otherwise distracted. It never failed that Danny would eventually lead me to the garage. That is where my innocence was lost and my life changed forever. At the age of five I now knew how to touch a man to give him pleasure. I discovered that it felt good being touched “down there.” Oh, and I could reach orgasm- something I struggle to do now. It all seemed so natural. Danny would hold my hand as we walked to the corner store to buy snacks. I think I believed we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Then back to the garage for more fondling- never penetration though. I was lucky-I was also now consumed by all things sexual.
When I was in kindergarten I lived near my school, so I walked alone to and from class. One day as I was bound for home, a boy approached me. He told me to have sex with him or he’d beat me up. I was terrified. He was older and bigger, and it occurred to me that I likely could not outrun him. So we went inside a public restroom that was under construction, and touched each other sexually. Then he sent me on my way. It wasn’t sex- but it was enough to scare the crap out of me! Once again, I didn’t tell my mom. Years later she revealed that my teacher had had a meeting with her during which she explained that something was wrong with me-I was obsessed with sex. I was constantly masturbating, seeking out porn magazines, porn on television, even listening to Mom and her boyfriend having sex. This would gross out a normal kid my age, but I was light years away from “normal.” I did all this in secret. I feared what would happen if I got caught. I was always told by Danny not to say a word, so I knew it was bad- really bad, and I must be too.
When I was 18 I finally told Mom what happened- all of it. She was now deep in the throes of alcoholism. Her response was that my experience was nothing. She said her brother raped her when she was 16 and her dad molested her as a child. Before I knew this I was angry that she never fought for me. She never even tried to find out why at such a young age sex was so important to me. Now I knew she simply didn’t have the emotional capacity to help me.
As an adult, I’ve had three serious relationships. The first lasted three years. I got bored sexually and I eventually cheated. The second, was with the guy I cheated on the first guy with. It lasted two years. It was on and off and I never tired of the sex- I think because I knew it wasn’t going to work out, so it felt taboo. Then came my soon to be ex-husband. The first two years were great- then I got bored with the sex. Like the first guy, it wasn’t just boredom- completely lost interest in him sexually. So you see, it always seems to come down to sex. I don’t know how to fix it. And because my body shut down for so long during my marriage, I can’t seem to orgasm during sex. When I was five I could accomplish this in no time at all. Fucked up ain’t it? But for it to be the reason my marriage ended, well, it pisses me off! And it will likely continue to until I find an answer…