This is an encounter I had a couple weeks ago. I’ve said this before, but now more than ever, I hope my story will help someone else. If nothing else, may someone learn from my mistakes…
I was casually seeing someone, and had been for several months. It was an open arrangement, but I like monogamy and hadn’t really considered exercising that freedom. But a funny (not really) thing happened- I started having feelings for him. In all fairness, I told him because he might decide he didn’t want to have sex with me anymore if he knew. It was a gamble, but we agreed to be honest. He was a little caught off guard, but I assured him my feelings had no expectations attached to them. We continued to be intimate. But things changed- I changed. It was clear I wanted more time and attention than he could/would give me. I had a strong feeling that if it ended he wouldn’t miss a beat, or me for that matter. But I was so afraid of being alone that I kept seeing him; gradually resenting him all the more.
So one night, out of boredom a frustration, I contacted Joe. We had known/ been attracted to each other for years, but our timing was never right. We flirted pretty heavily, but I didn’t think much of it. After all, he lived in another state. Then he said he wanted to see me, and he’d be willing to fly out the next day! All I could think was “Wow! He must really think I’m special to go through all that trouble just to spend a couple days with me!” I was beyond flattered. I told him “Absolutely.”
Fast forward twenty four hours, and a hypothetical situation just became reality. And a dream turned into a nightmare.
We sipped on drinks in his hotel room, reminiscing about old times and getting caught up on the present- kissing here and there. Then he threw me on the bed and proceeded to have sex with me. I wasn’t ready, but I went with it. Then he pushed my head down into his crotch- I was gagging. I had told him prior to meeting up that that was the one thing I didn’t like-he didn’t care. He did it over and over again and I said nothing. Since being single, I was super diligent about using protection. Even though Joe assured me that he got tested and was clean the week prior- I knew better. I owed it to him to be a good lay and do what he wanted, because after all, he’d traveled all this way just for me. At one point my foot was cramping, but he wouldn’t let me up. It was like he was in another world-I just happened to be in it. Everything hurt, and to make matters worse, he lasted for three hours! I felt obligated to remain there until he finished. I laid there, not wanting to stay, too exhausted to move. Then he fell asleep and started snoring like a freight train. I woke him up to tell him I was leaving…freedom!!!
Come to find out, one of the reasons I was in so much pain was because I had three dislocated ribs and a bruised pec muscle from him being so rough- and a broken spirit. It even hurt to breathe. I was supposed to meet up with him the next night before he left town. There was no way I could go through with it, and despite it all, I felt guilty for not giving him his money’s worth- like some sort of prostitute. I slept almost the entire next day. What was wrong with me- emotionally and physically? Did I have a disease? How was I going to tell my FWB, and would he even care? Part of me just wanted to die. I finally got up and told Joe I couldn’t make it. He wasn’t that broken up about it- it’s not like he came gallivanting all that way for nothing. I deleted him from Facebook and I don’t expect to hear from him again.
I eventually told my friends and FWB what happened, but even after coming clean I lied to some saying the condom broke. I was too ashamed to admit I’d been so naive, so careless. I did end up getting tested and thank God, I won’t have an STD to haunt me the rest of my life! I’ve had some therapy sessions, which helped. I’m coming out on the other side now. My FWB and I are just friends now, but I’m grateful for that. The physical wounds will heal in time, though my ribs don’t seem to want to stay in place- but it could always be worse.
I don’t see myself as a victim. I made a lot of choices I shouldn’t have made because my heart was broke and my self-esteem was damaged. I do strongly believe that had I said no, I would’ve been raped.
There’s no way to prove that, of course- just an instinct. My therapist did say our encounter really had nothing to do with sex for him. It was all about power and control- he said Joe was nothing more than a predator.
All I know is that I have a lot of inner healing to do, and that is my main focus right now. Also, I will never again believe that I don’t have the right to protect myself- I don’t care if the dude flew half way around the world! I’m single, and that’s okay- actually it’s really the only way I can do right by myself and whoever I may date in the future. I’m scared and I’m lonely, but I’m finally ready, and I guess you’d call that progress:)