Anxiety
I’m afraid to live and I’m afraid to die
I’ve got so much to give- I don’t know why
I settle for less when I want it all
I could climb so high, still I take the fall
I could grab it if it weren’t out of reach
I could learn it, it only they’d teach
I could fake it if I knew how to act
I could take it- if they knew the facts
Won’t let it have the best part of me
I’ll bend, not break from anxiety
Just wasting away inside my soul
Any moment now I could lose control
How nice it would be if life were fair
So much waits for me, but I don’t dare
What if I lose hope and never break through?
I’m afraid to love- more afraid not to
Still I believe, though I don’t know why
That I wasn’t born with wings that won’t fly
No more will I come each time you call
Knowing I can fly, even after I fall
By: Heather Kennedy Orban
I’ve had a lot of epiphanies about my life lately. I’ve carried out my existence in a bubble of safety and comfort. I always choose the secure, predictable path- avoiding complications ( new experiences) whenever possible.
Why, you might ask? Because of an irrational, yet all too real fear of failure. The irony is that the only defeat is in not trying at all. I’ve read enough self-help books over the years to realize this, however I had yet to alter my behavior. Another paradox is that I avoid new situation because I’m afraid people will conclude that I’m not very bright. There’s so much wrong with this reasoning: first, who cares what other people think? Second, doing new things causes neurons in the brain to connect and thus, makes you smarter. And lastly, when I buy into this belief, I become so paralyzed by fear that it’s like my brain literally shuts down. I end up not being able to do the very things I told myself I couldn’t do- reaffirming in my psyche, my lack of astuteness!
I’ve done this at a high cost. That price being my self-esteem and well, merely existing as opposed to thriving. In many ways I’m 41 going on 14 because of all the life experiences I’ve let pass me by.
I recently met up with a friend who has similar struggles. She mentioned how being willing to think/live differently has done more for her than the thousands of dollars she’s spent on counseling- boy can I relate to that!!! Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of therapy whenever necessary ( after all, it did save my life!), but is that what I really need right now?
I believe what I require is to start trying new things and let myself grow and evolve, without fear of failure or being judged. Just simply having an open mind about situations instead of telling myself I can’t or won’t try them has made me feel so much better! This new outlook is imperative for me to heal and grow.
I have also come to the realization that attempting fresh exploits will many times cause great discomfort. Case in point: not long ago, I was at a gathering where I was invited to play a game. True to form, I desperately felt the urge to decline, but this time I relented and joined in. I wanted it to end as soon as it began; I was nervous and not enjoying myself much at all. However, in retrospect, I believe my intuitions had little to do with the activity itself and more so with my frame of mind. It was unfamiliar and uncomfortable, thus I hadn’t yet made peace with my newfound exploration. And that’s perfectly okay! Perhaps I’ll find that games aren’t my forte, or maybe I’ll love them once I become more accustomed to them. That discomfort is progress in disguise!!!
In terms of a conscious coupling ( sorry, I had to), it’s crucial for me to embrace life in all of its imperfections and challenges. Due to aforementioned self-esteem concerns, I am doomed to sabotage any relationship I’m in unless and until I do the work necessary to mend my broken spirit. I believe that to have a successful union, both individuals need to be whole. Frequently you hear about someone “completing” someone else or being referred to as “ my better/other half”. Ideally we would be happy and fulfilled in our own right, so we can choose to be with another because we’re ready- not because we are depending on them to make us happy. Relationships are challenging enough, and then we put that kind of pressure on them to boot?! It’s a tall order indeed!
Given that I’m currently going through a divorce, you might ask who the hell I am to be giving advice in this arena? To that I respond “ I’m someone who lost myself in my marriage because I was too dependent on my husband and too insecure to be a good partner.” I also fell out of love, which cannot be helped, however the former issues absolutely can!
So as I enter my fourth decade on this ever-changing planet, I am at a turning point. One where I can do as I’ve always done and go nowhere, or do what what I’ve never done and venture to places I never imagined possible.