A few months back, I could tell things weren’t right. I was exhausted all the time and I just quit caring…about everything.
My ex and I were (and still are) during mediation regarding our divorce. Our meetings were infrequent- neither of us was looking forward to getting “real” about dividing things. We’d meet up every 1-2 months and just catch up, like the amazing and supportive friends we had been for over a decade. Sure, we’d update our financial statuses and all, but it was sugarcoated with all the small talk of ”How’s so and so?” and ”What’s new in your world?” I always idolized him in a way. He is brilliant, and I never doubted that he’d do great things. I never felt that way about myself, however. Without his guidance, I’d simply tread water and hope to stay afloat. I knew we couldn’t be together, but the thought of no longer being friends terrified me. I was very aware that seeking what Colorado Law said I was entitled to could jeopardize that bond for good. I remember thinking that if I wasn’t around anymore he could just keep it all- no fuss, no stress.
I was doing a job I was totally burned out on & there was no way out. I had no kids to care for, which meant less stress in that regard- it also meant (to me) that I was alone. I sat with this depression for over a month, hoping it would subside- it didn’t.
I finally went to my functional Dr. thinking perhaps my melancholy state was due to a chemical imbalance- it wasn’t. Not until he recommended antidepressants did it hit me, and hard. I was doing this to myself! No magic pill was going to save me.
I also thought maybe I was wasting my time with this Dr. after all, psychotherapy wasn’t his forte. He did suggest I read a book called The Afterlife of Billy Fingers. When I eventually got around to ordering it, there were books by Mike Dooley that Amazon (knowing me well) hinted I try also.
And I’ll be damned if these books didn’t change my life!!!
I started believing in myself (truly) for the first time. I stopped fearing that life was passing me by because my journey was unfolding as it was meant to. I can change the course of it anytime I want. I’m not bound to any rules or predetermination.
It all comes down to this formula:
Beliefs create thoughts
Thoughts create emotions
Emotions create feelings
Feelings create perception
Perception creates your reality
As amazing as my ex is/was, I could never reach my potential while we were together because I hated myself. The guilt and shame of knowing I wasn’t the wife he deserved ate me alive, and I believed I deserved to be miserable. I believed I was a bad person who amounted to and would achieve…nothing.
But not anymore! Now I see that my dreams are attainable, and that I too am capable of greatness- we all are. We just must believe in that truth, so we can see it!
I am happy, truly happy- because I believe I am deserving of it. I wish I could’ve told my teenage self that but hey, better late than never;)