My dad passed away not quite three weeks ago. We were estranged, which added to the complexity of it all. I say that because not only have I not cried or felt the expected emotions after having lost a loved one, but I’m now responsible for handling his affairs.
As far as the emotions go, I did cry and get angry, cycling through a multitude of feelings when he disowned me in a letter almost two years ago. I explain that situation (the best I can anyway), in my memoir. I’m not angry or cold, just numb. Similar to my mom’s situation, I was surprised Dad lived as long as he did because he didn’t take very good care of himself. He was 74 when he passed- in my twisted mind, I look at that and say he had a good run.
I thought for sure I’d cry when I got a lock box of his, but I guess one can only get so choked up over legal documents. Maybe I already cried all I can for this man. Perhaps one day it’ll hit me out of the blue and I’ll start sobbing. I guess that’s the thing about mourning- there are no rules or guidelines instructing us as to the proper way we should grieve. I know this…hell, I’ve told people this very thing many times before, but it’s always different when it’s you.
When Dad passed, I thought that was it. I had no plans to return to Montana for yet another funeral, nor did I intend to lay claim to any money or things my father had in his possession. However I did have to contact the funeral home, as Montana law states that the next of kin is responsible for making such decisions. It was then that it occurred to me- I couldn’t just walk away and leave my two elderly uncles to deal with the mess Dad left behind. This wasn’t simply about mine and my father’s relationship anymore.
My father did have a will naming me executor of his estate, but he never signed it or had a witness, therefore it’s as valuable/helpful as a blank piece of paper. I’ve spent countless hours (mostly on hold) contacting the VA, the social security dept., various financial institutions- not to mention utility companies and entities like Netflix, Amazon, etc. The list is truly endless. Dad did have a home in Montana where he resided, which is complicated by the fact that I live in Colorado. He also had a reverse mortgage, which requires hiring a probate lawyer to sort through the legalities of actually becoming executor of his estate.
That’s where I currently am on this rollercoaster ride. I’m thankful that I don’t have a job right now; I can’t imagine trying to handle all this while working full-time! Aside from that, many people, like the funeral director and the teller from Dad’s old bank have been so kind and helpful through all this. There are a lot of good, empathetic people in the world- that is for sure!
I’ve gotten a lot better at accepting and realizing when I’m being led into certain situations by the Universe. That doesn’t mean I don’t have wtf moments or breakdowns; it just means they’re generally less frequent and more short-lived. I know this is all teaching me about life (ironically) and about myself. I’ve reconnected with some family on my father’s side, and I’m thankful for that. Because Dad was so upset with me when he passed, I was under the false impression that his brothers and his nephew disliked me as well; what a gift to find that I was mistaken!
All in all, I’m lucky to have such a blessed life- and Dad, despite our complicated history, I’m so very grateful you had a good run.