I’ve mentioned several times that the Universe guided me in terms of my decision to leave my job and write my book. However, I’ve never explained what I meant by that, which is the purpose of this article.
Many times I’ve said that I worked at BBS (Big Box Store) for over twenty years and that I’d been burned out for most of them. Like countless others, I was grateful to have my job, but it was getting more and more difficult to talk myself into actually showing up to it. Between getting up at three every morning, to having constant aches and pains made more apparent by my physical job, there was the ever-increasing notion that something had to give.
About a year before I quit BBS, I got some money as part of a divorce settlement. Also around that time, I began having frequent run-ins with a co-worker. Despite my many attempts to resolve the matter, it became clear nothing was going to change. Several times in the past (unfortunately) I’ve had to resort to going over my boss’ head to get a resolution to such issues. But this time I just didn’t have it in me- that approach was no longer an option. Taking such drastic measures is a last resort- think about it, even if your boss’s boss agrees with you, congratulations- you’ve just pissed off one or several of your supervisors! Initially I was really upset that something seemingly so benign was metastasizing into an insurmountable obstacle for me.
It wasn’t just that though, we were also experiencing a remodel at work, and I was getting new, taller cases. Most people thought I’d be excited- after all, they were new and shiny. However, all I saw was more overhead lifting and further wear and tear on my tendinosis-laden shoulders.
Then came one single comment- it was one I’d heard many times over the years, but the combination of who said it and where I was emotionally were the main factors. I’ll preface this by explaining a couple things: I worked in the deli, which used to be part of the meat department. Years ago it was decided that meat and deli would have separate bosses, which immediately created an us vs. them, line in the sand type of divisiveness.
I had recently taken a liking to this new kid in the meat department- in a “He gives me hope for the younger generation” kind of way. I’d come back from my two days off and he said the words “Yeah, I filled your (random deli item) for you while you were gone.” I know, you’re thinking what’s the big deal about that? To me though, it was like the nail in the coffin. This kid had only worked there three weeks, and he was already having the us/them mentality indoctrinated within him. It actually broke my heart, though I should note it took decades and far more upsetting encounters to reach that point.
Full disclosure: I had concluded I was going to exit my job prior to that exchange. I’d come to realize that the reason the conflict with my co-worker wasn’t getting resolved was because it was time for me to leave- same with the new, taller cases. I could stay and remain in the comfort of the devil I knew (and likely add another injury to my collection), or I could exit the situation altogether. The fact that I literally felt dead inside made my decision quite clear. That awareness was scary as hell, but also empowering. My initial plan was to give three weeks notice. I honestly wasn’t bitter- I wanted to do the right thing. However, that conversation with the new kid affected me in a very profound and unexpected way. I hit a wall- I don’t know how else to explain my sudden departure. I’m not proud of the way I left, but I won’t let it define all that I gave to that company for half my life. I also won’t let it define all that BBS gave to me.
It was simply time to move on. The money I got from my divorce is the only reason I’m not still there- it’s also the only reason I could remain in Fort Collins. That is why I believe everything happened the way it did- like the Universe was saying “I’m providing all the reasons to make a major life change, in addition, I’m providing the opportunity for you to follow through.” So, though I feel a bit lost now after having completed my memoir, I know I’m where I’m meant to be- despite having no idea where I’m being led.
Furthermore, I’m undeniably convinced that this is how it must feel to actually “live”. It’s unsettling at times and unpredictable, but stability is as always, a myth. That doesn’t mean one shouldn’t bother trying to create it- just make sure that in doing so, you don’t forget to do what makes you feel most alive:)