I have a confession to make. I don’t have my shit together- not in the slightest. You might be thinking, well who does, really? No one entirely, but I thought I was at minimum, verging on the precipice. I had just written a memoir detailing my lifes’ struggles and how I overcame them. I let everyone know my intention of becoming a life coach, because nothing brings me more joy than feeling as though I’ve had a positive impact on someone’s life. So, despite knowing progress isn’t linear, and recognizing the mountains I had to climb just to complete my book, I somehow felt immune to depression. It was a stellar four and a half months, for sure!
Little by little however, cracks began to form in the foundation of the perfect little world I’d built. My book seemed to be going nowhere fast, and my optimism which had been off the charts, was now morphing into skepticism. The same voice that told me not to bother writing the book because no one would read it anyway (she’s kind of a bitch), was quick with the “I told you so’s.” Just prior to that I’d been diagnosed with degenerative disc disease, and subsequently stopped going to the gym for fear of exacerbating the problem. For those of you who aren’t aware, working out has been my lifeline for over thirty years now, so this inaccurate, fear-based conclusion I came to was bound to leave emotional destruction in its wake. Throw in relationship complications, sprinkled with trying to handle my late father’s estate and you have (at least in my case), the perfect storm.
I’ll let you in on a little secret- the whole time I was writing my book I thought I was gonna die…let me explain.
As I’ve stated before, I quit my job and wrote my book all the while feeling as though I were being guided. It was more like a calling than a choice. My book was to be my legacy, and it was designed to help people. But there was an urgency to it all that made me wonder if my time on this planet was nearing its end…and you know what? That feeling brought me peace! I wasn’t sad or scared. I was in acceptance of this divine intervention and whatever the Universe had in store for me. It was continuing to live that I wasn’t fully prepared for. This wasn’t the first time I found solace in the comfort of the afterlife- but this time the concept of passing on seemed more of a certainty.
I actually wasn’t going to write about this because I didn’t want to scare anyone or bring them down. However, it’s important to me to help de-stigmatize mental health issues, and letting fear/shame dictate what I disclose about myself seems like, well, letting my inner bitch win.
In all honesty, admitting how dark things can be (at least in my mind), really fucked up my narrative. How can I help others live their best life if at times, I struggle to live at all? Then there’s the shame of knowing I’m a white woman with a life full of privilege- what the hell do I have to be so down about? But again, depression isn’t logical- it’s emotional. Furthermore, pain is relative- and not a competition.
A while back, I had a friend confide in me that he dealt with suicidal ideation. “I’m not gonna do it, but sometimes I find comfort in knowing that it’s an option.” I freaked out. “Now I’m worried about you! What am I supposed to do?” I said. “That’s exactly why I wish I wouldn’t have said anything,” he responded. There I was, inadvertently judging him, when in truth, I felt the same way- the only difference was that he had the courage to verbalize his truth, and now I’d made him regret it.
You may wonder what the correct response is in a situation like that? Though I’m no expert, I would recommend letting the person know they are seen and heard, and that you are there for them. Try to be a safe place- free of judgement and criticism. And like most things, it’ll be easier said than done, but the key word is try🙂
Ironically, it was that same friend who lifted me out of my latest funk. I couldn’t understand how I, with all my knowledge and tools for empowerment, could have fallen so far. “I think it’s beautiful, actually,” he exclaimed. “Huh? I don’t get it?” “You embrace death because a part of you is dying! In order to evolve and become who you are meant to be, the part of you that was holding you back has to die off.” He actually took something that was seemingly morbid, and shined a whole new light onto it! Not only did it make sense, but I felt empowered like never before.
Maybe the darkness isn’t working against me after all- in fact, perhaps it’s helping me to better understand and empathize with the struggles so many of us face. My therapist assured me that it was because of my bouts of depression that I was more qualified to help others than I realized.
What I know for sure is that I’m not immune to hitting rock bottom emotionally – it can and will happen. But as long as I can talk about the darkness and be honest about it, the more appreciation I have for all that it teaches me about myself;)