I have a friend named Dale who would do anything for his children- he has four of them. He works harder than anyone I know to provide for his kids, both emotionally and financially. His children are, by all accounts, his entire world.
Dale will be the first to admit, he’s had a difficult childhood. He encountered sexual abuse when he was in his teens, and found himself struggling with drugs and alcohol. Proudly, he’s been clean for decades- despite the kids’ mom’s inability to do so. She floats in and out of their lives, which breaks Dale’s heart.
In order to cope with the enormous stress he’s constantly under, Dale binges and purges. The fact that he’s a guy, makes it harder to believe, and therefore easier to conceal. To look at him, you’d never know. He’s very fit and surprisingly, looks healthier than most men years younger than him.
My boyfriend (btw, we got back together), has three daughters. He stayed in an unhealthy marriage for many years, and he did it because he wanted to ensure his girls would be ok. The reasoning is one many parents can relate to, and I don’t envy any parent who finds themselves in this situation. However, neither parent was happy, and I believe even a young child can sense the overwhelming tension and negative energy.
When examining my own childhood, I realized my dad had a horrible temper, which often manifested in rage. My mom was an alcoholic. I spent so much of my youth and early adulthood worrying about whether or not they were okay, that I failed to recognize that my mental health was deteriorating rapidly.
So what’s my point? Obviously, Dale’s situation is very convoluted and has many layers. But what I do know is that children need to know their parents are alright if they are to be alright. You can take them to every sport, buy them all the things you never had, display a facade of joy and do everything you feel is right; but if you’re not alright, they will pick up on it. When we don’t think our parents are safe, healthy, stable, etc.- It changes us, and not in a good way. We can become more depressed, irritable, and anxious. We can struggle with self-esteem, body image and trust-issues.
The fact that so many parents subject themselves to additional pain and suffering for the sake of their kids is often counterintuitive, for the reasons I just mentioned.
I know that in many cases, (such as Dale’s), having two happy, healthy parents simply isn’t possible; however, what I’m hoping to accomplish here, is for people to hopefully look at parenting from the vantage point of the child.
Sometimes putting yourself first (though it seems selfish at times), is actually the absolute best thing you can do for your kiddos. Seeing your parents thriving, or at least making wellness a priority, is the ultimate gift to your young ones.
I would’ve gladly traded every barbie doll, comic book, ice cream sundae etc. for knowing my folks were gonna be alright. Granted, I wouldn’t be who I am today, but it would’ve saved me a lot of trauma and many years of therapy.
If you can resonate with any of the examples mentioned above, please consider giving your little ones the gift of peace of mind. Not only can it have a profound impact; it is both free and priceless.