Boundaries. They are the seemingly never-ending lesson of my life.
Though I’ve gotten better about them over the years- in regards to both establishing and respecting them; a recent turn of events has revealed to me that I still have much to learn.
As my readers are well aware, my book is being edited, and due to some family emergencies my editor has had the misfortune of encountering, my book is months behind schedule.
I should note that when Mary first notified me of her situation, she asked for a four day extension of the initial contract we’d agreed to. However, me being an empath to my core, I insisted that she forget my book and focus on her family; after all, it’s only a book and she’s dealing with legit life and death matters.
It reminded me of when my ex-husband James was pondering which college he hoped to attend. I was trying to be the most supportive partner ever, and in doing so, I let it be known that I would move wherever he wanted to go. After all, he was the one with a promising future- I could work retail wherever. Here’s the problem with both scenarios: I acted before I thought twice about what it could mean for me. I was so concerned with doing right by the other person that I failed to even consider how my actions might one day impact me. With James’ college situation, I lucked out, because Fort Collins is a beautiful town, and for the most part, I’ve been quite happy here. In Mary’s case, I started to feel a bit resentful that my book was in perpetual limbo; and in many regards, that was on me.
After not hearing from Mary for several weeks, I asked how she was. She updated me and then said she was going to finish my book that night. The next morning rolled around, and she let me know there was a complication with the book and therefore she didn’t complete it. That’s it- no clarification as to when it would be done. Upon telling my roommate Jess about Mary’s response, she was quick to inform me that this situation called for some immediate boundaries.
Now, I’m not a doormat (nor was Jess implying this); but had she never been faced with these hardships, I would’ve held firm to the deadlines. Also, if I found Mary was playing me, I would raise hell. But I have a soft spot for people who are struggling, which made my next move feel downright shitty. “So when do you think the editing will be completed?” I asked Mary via the Fiverr website. She responded, “I’ll get it done tonight; even if I have to stay up all night.” Ugh! It was heart-wrenching to hold my ground, but I did, and the next morning it was delivered. Unfortunately, the project requires several revisions, so the saga continues for now, but it’s closer than ever to progressing to the next stage.
I’ve looked at this situation from many perspectives. One being: Some people do better with deadlines- they thrive in that environment, and without them, they lose their motivation/focus. Perhaps that’s why Mary merely asked for four more days from the very beginning. And honestly, I have to think that the best thing for her situation is to be done with my book, so it’s not hanging over her head whilst dealing with her ongoing family issues.
What I do know for sure, is that it’s possible (even necessary) to give myself a vote when deciding how best to exercise empathy- especially when the circumstances directly affect me. It’s also a delicate balance because of the whole “Do unto others” principle.
If I were in Mary’s shoes, I would want someone to give me a break and treat me with compassion. However, I wouldn’t want them to lie to me and say “No worries, take your time,” if what they really meant was “I wish I had enough self-respect to be honest with you, because what’s best for both of us is to get this finished so we can move on with our lives.”
Yeah, boundaries are a bitch sometimes…