This was supposed to be the “fun” part. After losing my contact in the publishing industry, after losing my dad (and almost a year of momentum), after realizing that self-publishing was likely my best option, after a one month editing contract eventually morphed into a five month process, designing the cover I told myself, is when I get to truly enjoy the process. At least it sounded good.
It’s difficult writing about this, as it’s been almost two years since completing my memoir. Frankly, I’m sick of talking about it, but it is the ongoing thorn in my side, which holds the biggest significance of anything I’ve ever done. Therefore, you can see why giving up is not an option. So what seems to be the problem now?
It started off relatively promising. It was my birthday (10/15) and because the editing process was now complete, I was free to hire a cover designer. I thought I found my person on Fiverr- her name was Fay. Rick even covered the cost as a birthday gift to me. By now, I had a clear vision of what I wanted the cover to look like. I conveyed it to Fay and she seemed confident that she could do the job. She had an impressive portfolio, and her bio said she loved to draw. She confirmed that she does illustrations as well as computer graphics, so I had no doubt I was in good hands. It was a two week contract.
Rick and I went to dinner that night, and I was riding a high I’d never felt before. My life was about to change; my book was evolving from a mere concept to an actual reality.
But as two weeks blurred into one month, it became clear that Fay wasn’t my person after all. Looking back, the issue was both our faults. She kept leaving out key details that I had wanted from day one, plus her illustrations were disproportionate and not at all what I expected from a professional. For my part, I had failed to realize that in order to get the specific design I was seeking, I would need someone who specializes in hand-drawn illustrations, plus a computer graphics person to apply the finishing touches. To Fay’s credit, I didn’t know there were many different forms of illustrations. To her detriment, she couldn’t/wouldn’t admit to being in over her head. So, a month in, I canceled the order. Fortunately, if the buyer/seller both agree to cancel, you get your money back. After a mini breakdown, I was back on the optimism train, and in search of a more qualified cover artist. Remember though, I was still of the mindset that this was a one-person endeavor.
Fiverr had tried to pair me with other sellers it thought might be a better match for me. I contacted all three, thinking I’d find that special someone in no time. One cover artist had almost 10,000 5-star reviews- his work was phenomenal! However, he was quick to turn me down. He said he refuses to take jobs like mine. “The vision is too specific and it’s too difficult to get everything right. Good luck!” he added. I was crushed. The other two people said essentially the same thing, only with a less dickish tone.
All this time I’d thought that knowing exactly what I wanted was a good thing- less guesswork for the artist. It was undeniably becoming a liability, but how could I abandon my vision when it seemed so clear that that was how the cover absolutely must be? I sunk into a deep depression once more. I never expected things to be easy, but must they be so.damn.hard?
The thing is, or what I’ve come to figure out at least, is that the computer graphics people want quick and easy. There’s nothing wrong with that- if they’re good at their job, they can come up with some impressive covers in relatively little time, while making a nice profit. They want to be on the creative side and wow you with what they put together. But if you know what you want down to the last detail, it’s a hindrance because they will be limited to what their computer can create- thus the need for an old school illustrator. So, one sleepless night, I was researching what to do, and I stumbled upon an illustrator on Fiverr named Yvette. I was pleased/relieved to see that her drawings were completely along the lines of what I was looking for. I immediately reached out to her. She’s apparently from the UK, but most notably and most important to me, is that the more specific I was, the more she appreciated it! The more examples I submitted, the more she understood my vision- according to her.
So as it currently stands, I’ve hired Yvette and we have a 21 day contract. I’m no longer excited, happy, or optimistic. I’m guarded and quite sad, honestly. I’m protecting myself. I’ve surrendered to the notion that my book was not meant to come out this year, and that it’ll be ready when the Universe decides it’s time, and not a moment sooner. I don’t know what it’ll take or how many more breakdowns will be involved. All I know- all I’ve ever known, is that it’ll be worth it in the end. It’s bigger than me; the purpose of this book. Once it’s out in the world- it will be of the world, and in many respects, no longer mine.