We often put ourselves in a duality box: good or bad, sick or healthy, etc.- let’s explore why that’s a problem.
I recently touched on a revelation I had about how it’s ok if I don’t know what my next move is after writing my book because I’m already enough. It was a powerful revelation, however, I’ve come to realize there’s more to it than that.
You see, I’m enough even if I’m falling apart. I’m enough if I don’t want to get out of bed or face the world in any capacity. What’s more, I can be both accomplished, smart, strong and motivated, and also be a total mess. These things can be true simultaneously, and it doesn’t make me (or anyone, for that matter) a fraud or a failure- in fact, it makes us human!
One of my favorite parts of Glennon Doyle’s Untamed is where she says that her fans chose her (someone with severe depression) as someone to look up to- this was the gist anyway. But the takeaway for me was I am who I am, and if you want to see me as a thought leader, I’m honored, but also, that’s on you. In other words, don’t be surprised if your hero is having a meltdown behind that cape!
I should note that it was ketamine therapy which brought about this deeper revelation. I was so devout in my willingness to heal my depression, that I was actually sabotaging it. I was doing my weekly treatments and all the while, my boyfriends’ health was taking a turn for the worst. I kept thinking that if it were just me, I would be thriving in terms of progress. “Why can’t he fall apart after I’m all better and have the emotional capabilities to handle it?” A part of me actually resented him, and of course, that led to self-loathing. So much for finally finding the thing that could make me better, because apparently I wasn’t going to get that chance! A part of me truly felt that if the ketamine was working, then I’d be immune to the sadness regarding my boyfriends’ health. My other therapist Ray (yes, I’m currently seeing both) was quick to point out that my goal was bordering on sociopathic tendencies; so maybe not the healthiest approach. Feeling that sadness, to me, was a threat to my recovery; therefore, I fought like hell to keep them separate. Around my fourth session, I realized how false that narrative was. I opened up to Aja about everything that was going on with Rick, and she insisted that the ketamine could help with all my apprehensions.
It dawned on me then that of course I have to face this head on! The fact is, these trials and tribulations are my reality, and life doesn’t wait until you’re ready to challenge you. But the mindset that gave me permission to let things unfold organically is this: I can simultaneously be healing from the ketamine, while also experiencing sadness over a very real situation I’m going through. That doesn’t mean the treatment is failing or that I’m doomed.
It’s common for people to try and put themselves, others, and situations in a box. That box is often based on an either/or mentality. Good or bad, well or sick, success or failure- you get the gist. The problem is, most people and most scenarios will never fit in that box, and when we try to make them fit, we miss out on the bigger picture. That picture being the beauty and the acceptance that comes with life in all its messy, nonconformist glory. Those boxes look neat and orderly, and may make sense for a short while, but embracing our duality means busting out of them once and for all, because we realized we are so much more than the confines of those four walls ever allowed us to be!