Years ago I had a friendship that ran its course with a woman I’ll call Hannah. It happens in romantic relationships, and though oftentimes difficult to accept, it happens in friendships as well. Initially, as our friendship grew stronger, I had no doubt that we had each others’ backs. We were a support system for one another, and I cherished our bond tremendously.
Over time, things took a toll- like my insistence on casually dating a mutual friend named Hari. Every time he and I had a fight, it put Hannah in the middle, and created a dynamic that made me question everyone’s loyalties- including my own. It didn’t help matters that Hari seemed somewhat captivated by her. Many times after an intimate moment, Hannah would be the first thing on his mind- he talked about her all the time.
I should note that I was also going through a divorce, which trust me, does a number on your sanity in its own right!
I began to wonder- was Hari using me to get even closer to Hannah? Don’t get me wrong, everyone knew Hannah was devoted to her man, so I’m not implying he hoped to sleep with her- it simply appeared to be a form of infatuation on his part. Hannah had warned me from the beginning not to get involved with him, so I wondered if she resented me now, and though I would never make her choose between me and Hari, I pondered how I would fare if that hypothetical scenario were to ever play out.
Part of my insecurity was our age disparity- I was almost twenty years older than Hannah and Hari. Also, there were other situations with Hannah that added to my concerns about our relationship that I won’t go into in this post, and there were other times where my crazy disposition complicated/hurt our friendship. But the bottom line is this- once you no longer know where you stand with people and where they stand with you, it creates trust issues; and as we all know, without trust, the foundation for any relationship becomes compromised. I’m not saying you should just throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble. By all means, communicate how you’re feeling, and the sooner the better. However, my attempts at discussing things with Hari and Hannah (separately) fell flat and did little to alleviate my sense of unease, and eventually both relationships ended.
So why, all these years later, is this still inhabiting my psyche? Because Evan now works at the grocery store I frequent, and Evan is the husband of one of Hannah’s best friends. Initially I couldn’t understand why things felt so awkward when I would see him because we’d always had a pleasant rapport.
However, upon deeper reflection, the underlying reason for my discomfort is likely that when mine and Hannah’s friendship ended, I stopped interacting with most of our mutual friends. Not because I harbored any ill will, I simply no longer felt at peace with those dynamics. I would always question where I stood with them and where they stood with me- especially those whom I met through Hannah. I believe that for the most part, this was a mutual understanding- after all, I didn’t exactly have people beating down my door wondering where I went. Notably, I have zero hard feelings because if I’m honest, they’re all terrific people and I’m grateful to have had them in my life in whatever capacity and for whatever time that was meant to be.
In all honesty, I did the same thing with my family. There’s a lot of history there, of course, but I put distance between us for the same reason: knowing I’d never be at peace, always questioning where things stood between us.
I believe that all you really need to know is what is required to protect that peace. Not every relationship is meant to be forever, and that includes relatives. If any scenario or bond compromises my peace, the price is too high, and therefore it must go.
I’ve learned the hard way that if one ignores that foreboding intuition, you can easily enter the dangerous territory of not knowing where you stand with yourself, and I’ll take any awkward encounter over that!