A few days ago I had coffee with an old friend. Afterwards, he had someone take some pics of us. Because it is traditional for him to commemorate our meet-ups with a photo, I usually try to look my best prior to such occurrences. But this time, as I analyzed the latest picture of myself, I saw so much more than a woman who had put on weight and was now at her heaviest; I saw someone who was losing herself.
It didn’t help matters that the week prior I had fallen for a scam. Long story short, apparently people will call self-published authors and tell them they wish to promote their book at an upcoming book festival in (insert city here). The festival is legit, so you think perhaps the call is too. In my case, the guy simply wanted to confirm I wrote the book The Gifts That Haunt Me. He said my book was referred to him by a professional book scout, and that I’d be getting a call from a publisher to go over all the details.
What really threw me off was that a week prior I had sent a copy of my book to Margaret Riley King along with a letter thanking her for her words of encouragement. Margaret Riley King is a literary agent I had sent a query letter to last year, and she had been so supportive I wanted to share this with her. She’s based out of New York, which is also where the scammer was calling from. When I got the message from the “publisher” days later, it became obvious it was not legit; the guy struggled to get the title right, and I could barely hear him due to all the people talking and laughing in the background.
Out of curiosity, I researched book fair scams and found that they make their money by offering to display your book on the shelf of a booth at such and such book fair for a certain fee. If you want more attention drawn to your book, like posters and banners, etc. that costs extra. You will also be out any money you spend on airfare, a hotel and food. An article I read said it would be equivalent to setting your book on a seat at a busy airport hoping a publisher will happen upon it- not very favorable odds, and certainly not worth the money! Though I had no intention of parting ways with my dough, sadly, I did get my hopes up after the initial call. I’m still processing it.
However, despite the fact that I’ve felt much better after doing ketamine therapy, sometimes we get off track and don’t realize it until there’s a wake-up call. The truth is, lately my life has largely been one giant free for all. I’ve lacked any discipline whatsoever- I.E. I have been eating/drinking whatever I want, I’ve been on phone and social media until all hours of the night/early morning, and not surprisingly, my sleep habits are shit. I believe this began when my book got published. Between tracking sales, reviews, trying to hire someone to narrate my book for Audible, and getting lost in all the marketing strategies to take things to the next level, I stopped taking proper care of myself.
Another thing that was happening without me noticing, was that I was going about my life feeling that a good day was only possible when there was forward momentum regarding my book. When I felt like progress was stalling, that inevitably constituted a bad day, and I would get really bummed out. Because my entire life was now revolving around my memoir, I began to feel lost and like everything was spinning out of control.
I credit meditation for the epiphanies I’ve had in the last few days which have given me great clarity regarding these scenarios. One thing that occurred to me is that “progress” isn’t always as obvious as we are led to believe. Oftentimes, things are happening behind the scenes that we’re not aware of. The Universe is conspiring on our behalf in ways we can’t always comprehend if we’re only looking at it from the perspective of what’s tangible and/or measurable. Once I realized that I was letting this assumption of progress completely determine whether or not I was happy, I knew I needed to ensure my cup was full regardless of how I perceived the marketing of my book to be going.
Still, I don’t blame myself for unraveling. I had no precedent to compare this situation to. All I can do when I feel myself veering off course is allow myself to feel whatever the fuck I’m feeling and then ask myself what I need to move forward. Emotional bypassing has no place in my world. I was really sad and pissed off after the scam. Since my book has been published I’ve learned some hard truths- for example, that the work is just beginning. I had naively told myself that after everything I’d been through getting my memoir out into the world that it could then do what it was meant to do, and the Universe would take it from there. The fact is, marketing is EVERYTHING! It can’t have the impact it’s destined to have if no one knows about it, and once people are aware of it, you have the monumental task of making them CARE!
That said, putting my life to paper is already the manifestation of a dream. It’s the crazy fantasy that my life has meaning and purpose. It’s the insane notion that whatever your dreams may be, you can relate to wanting to share them and shine your light for all the world to see. Does it get any more worthwhile than that?