May 29th, 2023. This would’ve been mine and James’s twentieth anniversary.
We had envisioned celebrating at Lake Como Italy, and who knows, maybe rub elbows with George and Amal Clooney! Because James was such a go-getter and a planner, we had many goals and ambitions for our future. Each time our anniversary rolled around he’d ask what my five year plan was, as I sipped (gulped) my wine and desperately searched for an answer that wouldn’t be too disappointing; it always seemed to be. Red flag.
Needless to say, falling out of love and getting divorced was not part of that master plan.
Sometimes certain anniversaries fuck with my head, sometimes they pass by with minimal awareness. This particular one hit hard. Not in an I’m sad things didn’t work out kind of way, but more like empathy for who we were and all the trials and tribulations we would face. Lucky us, poor us, holy shit, couldn’t have seen that coming, kind of stuff.
Divorce changes you. I believe that for most, it takes a piece of you that you don’t ever get back- even if it was for the best, and even if you were the one who initiated it. Six years after I moved out, I’m filled with gratitude for who I am and where I am now. I’m very happy and in love with my boyfriend Rick- still, this particular anniversary affected me.
But you know what? I’m not going to over-analyze it; nor am I going to shove it down and pretend it’s not a thing. James was a huge part of my story and my evolution as a person, and I will be forever grateful to him. Aside from that, I did what I’ve always done to help process my feelings- I wrote a rhyme, and I feel it captures, to the best of my ability, all the crazy thoughts and feelings swirling around my lizard brain! If you can relate, just know you’re not alone. XOXO
The death of a thousand dreams
Forever’s never what it seems
We made a promise not to be
A statistic, you and me
But we were never shown the way
Our moms and dads led us astray
All the odds said we would fold
But young lovers can’t be told
Down on one knee- watch me crumble
As we dove head first and stumbled
Against all odds, but watch us beat em’
Hello new world, goodbye freedom
Twenty years, where does the time go?
So young, what the hell did we know?
All the memories and milestones
Drifting towards the great unknown
Then built a house and watched it fall
But young lovers, they know it all
Once it was you that felt like home
We lost ourselves upon that throne
Hindsite said we fought too long
Proving all the demons wrong
But no one could’ve told us so
We were just kids twenty years ago
Looking back now on those dreams
How just one smile changed everything
We tried so damn hard not to be
Like all the rest, we could not see
Young lovers, they weren’t so strong
Grew up only to be proved wrong
Would it be better, well who’s to say
Had young lovers not had their way?