About a month ago I made a major life change- I switched therapists. I had been seeing Roy for about seven years, and though he helped me a LOT, there had been signs for a while that maybe our dynamic wasn’t the healthiest. Before I delve into the reasons why, I need to express how difficult it was to get to this place mentally.
In my memoir, The Gifts That Haunt Me, I wrote about my lasting bond with therapists Faith and Roy, who saved me from myself at two different stages in my life. In my book, I was very proud of not only how vulnerable and honest I was about the most difficult moments of my life, but also how abundantly clear I was that I wouldn’t have made it through without the guidance of both Faith and Roy. To conclude post publication that my situation with Roy lacked proper boundaries, and I had glorified our dynamic in my book, was unsettling, to say the least!
Looking back, there were stark contrasts between Faith and Roy. Faith rarely spoke about herself and while she was my therapist, there were very clear boundaries- she was caring and kind, but she was not my friend. Notably, she did attend my wedding several years after she broke up with me- if you wanna know what happened, check out my book;) The situation with Roy was very different in many regards. First, initially he was my and James’ couples therapist, and I continued seeing Roy after we split up. Second, I actually appreciated when he would share details about his life (it made me want to open up more). Early on, he anointed me as his surrogate daughter. Initially I found this to be endearing, which was likely spurred on by the fact that my biological father had disowned me about a year into treatment with Roy. It never occurred to me that being like a daughter to him could ever be a bad thing.
When I began dating Rick, Roy agreed to treat him as well and that is when I started to sense something wasn’t quite right. To be fair, I practically begged him to help Rick, as he was going through a divorce and really struggling. How I feel about Roy now is confusing at times because he really came through for Rick/us at that stage of our lives.
Eventually Roy was our individual therapist and gradually became our couples therapist. Though it might seem ideal, it’s not, and here’s why: What happens when what’s best for you isn’t what’s best for your partner? There were instances when I felt the primary goal was keeping us together at all costs; sometimes the price was my emotional well-being because occasionally I needed us to be apart to re-evaluate and gather my bearings. Because of this, I didn’t always feel Roy had my back.
I also think that although Roy is a great person and truly has the best intentions, opportunities were often missed in terms of my progress. One example is when I made an emergency appointment to see him because I was getting dangerously close to cheating on James. Roy applauded my decision to come see him, calling it “A good sign.” But in that moment I didn’t need a father figure comforting me- I needed a damn come to Jesus talk with some action steps thrown in for good measure! This only occurred to me recently.
An additional red flag is that oftentimes, our sessions consisted of me getting him up to speed and shooting the shit. I would feel guilty whenever I would talk about myself for an entire session and not ask how he was, because if he were merely my therapist, NBD, but he wasn’t- he was family! So then why did I have to pay money to engage with him about…him? It was very confusing!
Ironically, about eight months ago, Roy had referred me to Aja for ketamine treatments, which I’m grateful for on many levels. Eight KAP sessions and many more talk therapy sessions later, (and after Aja also read my book), she asked how things were going with Roy and how my progress was coming along. I never once felt pressure from her to switch, however, both of us knew the answer. Why was I still seeing him? Sure, I was getting help at times, but mostly I felt stalled- like my progress had plateaued. Perplexingly, I always felt better after a session with him, but I eventually chalked that up to how one feels after catching up with a loving parent- not true, consistent progress. “I guess I’m seeing him mainly out of loyalty?” Saying it out loud was a smack across the face, figuratively speaking.
The next session with Roy was awkward and uncomfortable. After explaining that Aja would now be my primary therapist, he said he understood and just wanted what was best for me, but I could tell he was disappointed- and somewhat hurt. I explained that he’d still be our couples counselor and then, in typical fashion, we shot the shit for the rest of the session. That said, Rick and I have a consultation for a new couples therapist coming up, because I need to know what kind of forward momentum is possible when proper boundaries are in place.
I’m still processing my feelings about Roy. What I’ve landed on thus far is that I’m choosing to focus on how much he helped me, because the pros did far outweigh the cons; and fortunately I have Aja to help me sort through any feelings that aren’t so great. As for a future that includes Roy, I have no idea what lies ahead- however, I’m at peace with letting the cards fall as they may.
That said, I’m excited to see what progress is possible now that I’m able to spend less time concerning myself with the feelings of my healer, and more time focusing on my own:)