Changes

15 Oct

For my 100th post, it seemed fitting to reflect upon how all this came to fruition.

 I began this blog site on October 14th, 2015, and to say a lot has changed would be a monumental understatement! 

When I posted my first article, Baby, Baby, Baby, about my decision to not have kids, I was one day shy of my 39th birthday. I suppose I felt that was old enough to declare my uterus a child-free zone without too much pushback; surely my eggs would be scrambled by then!

At that time, my marriage was struggling quite a bit. In fact, that’s why my ex, James, created this domain site for me- so I could write freely about life and even our struggles. He always believed in my writing abilities and encouraged me to express myself however I needed to and because of that, Findingclearwater.com has been the gift that keeps on giving.

In all honesty, many of my initial posts were a bit cringeworthy, coming from a place of “Let me tell you how to live a better life because I’ve got it figured out.” Sadly, and perhaps fortunately, that came to an abrupt end when James and I separated in the fall of 2017, and I quickly realized I didn’t have jack shit figured out! 

Because my life felt so out of control for the next few years, my articles were certainly more vulnerable, though not at all consistent.

 I didn’t post a single article in 2020, which caused me to consider letting go of the blog site altogether because it costs money to keep it up and running. However, because I had just written my life story, I fell in love with writing all over again and decided not only to resume my posts, but to recommit. From now on, my posts would be as honest, humble, and vulnerable as possible and I would post two articles a month. It’s a promise I’ve since kept, except for a few instances where health issues, the loss of a pet, and a broken laptop kept me from doing so.

Admittedly, I learned the hard way after publishing my book, that it’s really f-ing hard to make it as a writer. I naively thought if I write it, they will come. I hadn’t realized how crucial marketing was, and in my attempt to promote my book, I found myself losing my authenticity in a major way. Though it’s very convoluted, let’s just say being a self-promoter took its toll on me. Because I mainly write about myself, it can (and often does) feel like a personal rejection when my writings don’t get the traction/attention I’m hoping they will.

 Thus, after the personal triumph and commercial failure of my memoir (at least at the present time), I had to ask myself why the hell do I still do this? Why do I continually put myself out there knowing I will likely get hurt? The answer is that writing is when I feel most alive, and I do it for the sheer joy of it- not for acclaim, book sales, or praise; though it’s human nature to wish for those things.

And you may be asking what any of this has to do with my blog? Truth be told, it has everything to do with it! Like I said, (and despite the setbacks) constructing the book made me fall in love with writing all over again; it truly fueled my passion for it, and for that, I’ll be forever grateful.

All in all, I’m damn proud of this blog. So far I’ve tackled every topic from sex, love, loss, racism, politics, spirituality, divorce, depression, etc. and this opportunity to explore my self expression and creativity is truly what keeps me going. 

So thank you, dear readers, for allowing me to share my life with you. Whether I’m experiencing something profound, or reeling from darkness, this blog ensures that every triumph has a place and every painful endeavor serves a true purpose:)