Well, this is a first! I say that because although I’ve written several articles which required additional installments, never before have I taken eight years to write a follow-up; Part One was in December of 2015. However, sometimes we encounter the sequel to a chapter of our lives quite a bit later, and when we do, we often find that it’s every bit as relevant as it once was.
I should note that when I wrote Part One I was married to a brilliant man and would constantly compare myself to him. However, it would be overly simplistic and highly inaccurate to assume that was the only catalyst for my low intellectual self-esteem, and given we’ve been divorced for several years now, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that certainly was not the only cause. The more obvious suspect would be the stepfather who repeatedly told me “Maybe for your birthday you’ll get brains.”
That said, my long-held core belief that I’m not smart has continued to plague me and sabotage many of my efforts to see things through. It also fuels the fire of imposter syndrome, screaming “Who the hell do you think you are?” almost every time I start to believe in myself. Even after writing and publishing my memoir I would continue to fall prey to that voice, which I not so lovingly refer to as my inner bitch.
Although I cannot proclaim that I’m now cured by any means, I can say that for the first time in my life I finally have some answers, which came in the form of a neuropsych evaluation.
That evaluation came to be after meeting with Aja (my ketamine therapist), and telling her about how this belief had bothered me my entire life, she suggested that perhaps Roy (my regular therapist- yes, I know how ridiculous this sounds) could refer me to get a neuropsychological evaluation to screen me for ADD, ADHD, etc.
This is partly why I ended up ditching Roy for Aja- I told her once and she had a solution, whereas I’d been confiding in Roy for years about this feeling, to no avail. But the second I mentioned Aja had this idea, he was on board- even though he didn’t feel it was necessary. To be fair, he wasn’t one for labels, despite the fact I had repeatedly told him I just want to know what I’m dealing with so I can overcome it.
The evaluation was grueling- lots of questions followed by hours of puzzles and various tests. It took 3 weeks to get the results, but it was well worth it. I found out that I have mild ADHD, which may not seem like a big deal, but it helped me make sense of a lot of things. I realized that my being a slow learner wasn’t because I was stupid, it was because I’m easily distracted. I can learn, but I learn differently. I may need more time to focus and process, but I’m quite capable of figuring things out.
I’m 47, and the rationale that people learn differently wasn’t a concept when I was growing up, though fortunately, it’s quite common now. So people my age often go their whole lives having a learning disability and never know it. When I think of how hard I’ve been on myself, it reminds me of the saying “If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life thinking it’s stupid.”
During the evaluation I also found that because my hearing is less than stellar (I’m pretty deaf), I’m more likely to have something called auditory processing disorder- getting old is fun! But even that made me feel hopeful because when you can’t hear, you subconsciously tune people out. What can eventually happen is that even when you can hear someone, your brain is used to dismissing what they say; so even though you’re trying really hard to focus, you often struggle to recall what they’ve shared with you. When this would happen, it not only made me feel like a lousy friend, it drove home the false belief that I’m not capable of retaining information.
So yes, it’s one more thing to look into- however, it just goes to show that you can go your whole life believing something about yourself that isn’t true. Many of us do, but fortunately in my particular case, I was able to prove myself wrong with actual scientific studies; and if that isn’t a wonderful way to bring this year to a close, I don’t know what is!
Hence, I would like to wish a Happy New Year to all of you. Here’s to the never ending quest of learning about ourselves and more importantly, learning to truly love ourselves- perceived flaws and all:)