In my second installment of I Think I’m Dumb, I shared my experience regarding the neuropsychological evaluation I had four months ago. Although it gave me some helpful insights and progress was made, I found that I’m still no less susceptible to succumbing to the damage that my core belief (I’m not smart) wreaks upon my psyche. I’ve come to find that for me, the key to overcoming this chronic limiting belief lies within yet another “part” of myself.
While attending a recent CPR training, I was reminded just how damaging and powerful this limiting belief continues to be. During the training I discovered I was supposed to have watched videos prior to the in-person event. Instead of showing myself grace for simply being human and making a mistake, my inner critic was just waiting for this, telling me “Of course you fucked this up. Now you probably won’t get certified because you were too stupid to follow basic instructions!” Ironically, and contrary to my inner bitch, I did in fact get my certification.
However, my low self-esteem seems to follow me everywhere- like the grocery store. I will wait patiently for my turn, but once I’m in front of the cashier, all I can think of is I’d better hurry because God forbid I inconvenience the people behind me or even worse, the cashier who’s shitty day is certainly made worse by my mere presence. The same fear creeps up when I’m at Costco getting gas. I feel as though I’m not worthy of taking up space. Everyone deserves their turn, except me. These days, we hear about entitlement all the time- especially in terms of the generations that come after us. It would seem that I could use a healthy dose of some entitlement!
During my last session with Aja, I broke down in tears. “Why is this still happening to me? I know I’m not inferior and that one is better than anyone else, and although smart is subjective, I know I’m not dumb.” This is why I feel having a good therapist is so important.
Aja, knowing my entire history, said “Maybe it’s because growing up you were never validated for all the things you did well. The focus was always on your shortcomings and what you struggled with.” Two examples: When I was getting A’s and B’s my grades were never mentioned. When we moved and I had no friends and my parents’ drinking escalated, my grades dropped- then it became “We’re going to ground you if these grades don’t improve.” I excelled at spelling and reading, but all Dad cared about was that I struggled with math- the subject he loved. Please note, I have zero interest in a crutch to justify my struggles, I’m talking about the root causes necessary for growth.
After talking to Aja, I realized the root of my paralyzing core belief lies within the consistent messages I was being sent about who I was when I was highly impressionable- my brain wasn’t even close to being fully formed. So is it any wonder that as an adult I downplay my successes; like writing a book, musical collaborations, and the business I’m starting, and instead hone in on my perceived failures?
But there’s more- this notion that I’m dumb is not just a core belief, it’s another part, who I refer to as Little Heather. Feel free to check out my last article, No Bad Parts, for more clarity/context regarding the IFS model;) Little Heather is what’s referred to in IFS as an exile. She’s wounded and hurting. My higher self knows that I’m intelligent and these cruel inner voices are lying to me, but Little Heather doesn’t know that. She, just like when I was a child, believes every painful thing she hears about herself and internalizes it. Any time I’m surrounded by strangers or in a new or vulnerable situation, guess who’s front and center? Little Heather. So it didn’t matter how much logic I had on my side; as long as I ignored Little Heather, there would always be that gap between what I know and how I feel.
I’ve said this before- we can’t win a battle if we don’t know what we’re up against. So, despite the many mantra filled post-it notes scattered throughout my house such as “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission” by Eleanor Roosevelt; it was never going to be enough to keep me from feeling inferior as long as I was oblivious to Little Heather. Why she feels the way she does, and in turn, how that affects me; but more importantly, knowing that she exists at all.
Though this knowledge is not a magic wand, it does show me a viable path to reclaiming my power. That said, it also makes me wonder how often so many of us give that power away without even realizing it, or understanding why.
It’s often said in jest that someone must not have gotten enough hugs as a child in reference to their emotional struggles. Of course, context is key, and therefore I will laugh when such things are said with no ill intent; after all, humor is good for the soul. But make no mistake, so is honoring and exploring old childhood wounds because more often than not, that’s what we find when unpacking our adulthood messes.