Some people naturally have self-esteem- I have an alter-ego named Sonia, who happens to be a badass, boss woman who calls the shots, takes no prisoners and does so unapologetically.
I created her because she’s what I perceive to be the opposite of the real me. For example, I’m the person who, if the waiter gets my order wrong, I’ll just smile and say everything’s great; to me that’s far more acceptable than being perceived as “difficult”. If someone runs into me in the grocery store, my first instinct is to apologize- even if it was clearly the other persons’ fault and I’ll be walking with a limp for the foreseeable future. However, simply by tapping into Sonia, I immediately feel more ass in my pants, more confidence.
I realize this whole concept may sound odd, but even celebrities sometimes utilize alter egos, so I figured there was no harm in giving it a shot! However, for me, the long-term impact of relying on Sonia was that I began to resent the way I actually was, often wondering why I couldn’t just be Sonia, instead of merely personifying these make-believe traits?
And then it happened… I met a real-life Sonia.
Her name was Tina, and she was the wife/office manager of Pete- the couples therapist Rick and I were seeing at the time. She was sharp, at the top of her game, and most admirably, she was all business. Apparently Tina used to run in corporate circles and as Pete’s office manager, she was certainly in her element. Though I only actually met her once, I was intimidated and impressed in equal measure.
Then came the IUD debacle last October. I found myself in desperate need to get ahold of Pete, as I was spiraling and my personal therapist was out of town. I had emailed him out of desperation, hoping to get some help. But to my surprise, Tina immediately intercepted my email and informed me that I hadn’t messaged Pete on the correct platform (their HIPPA compliant portal), and he wouldn’t be contacting me unless/until I followed the proper protocol. I expressed my confusion because Pete had responded before to my emails. I also explained to her that when you’re in the state I was in (suicidal), logic and reasoning aren’t exactly front and center. However, Tina was adamant that everything be done by the book. Instinctively, I became more concerned with gaining empathy from her than actually reaching Pete- only to discover that Tina was either incapable or unwilling to provide me with such compassion despite my pleas for help.
It soon became evident that although Tina seemed to run that office like a well-oiled machine, when it came to human emotion, she was more comparable to a robot. Fortunately, during my next appointment, Pete apologized profusely for the way Tina responded to me, and my IUD, which had become embedded in my uterine wall, was removed the next morning. Things were finally looking up; as time went by, Rick and I eventually found another couples therapist. Admittedly, Pete was out of our budget and (office manager aside) was simply not the best fit for us.
That said, in order not to set feminism back several decades, I want to be clear about the message of this post. I am not implying that all women who are smart, powerful, and assertive are also heartless monsters. The point I wish to convey is that, at least in my case, I was so busy wishing I were someone else that I took for granted the qualities I actually love about myself.
Upon reflection, I wouldn’t trade my heart, empathy, spirituality, etc. for all the Sonias in the world. Furthermore, I suspect that by embracing the traits which come naturally to me, the confidence that I’ve yearned for all this time will simply become a by-product of that self love:)