Have you ever withheld your truth from someone for fear they wouldn’t be able to handle it? Perhaps they’d explode into a fit of rage and never speak to you again. Or, maybe your revelation would make you less desirable and they’d cease to look at you the way they once did. Worse still, maybe you don’t trust yourself to be able to handle whatever their reaction to your truth may be.
I’m about to share my recent and very humbling personal experience of the irrational fears that drive that mindset, and how listening to those worries can lead us terribly astray.
The circumstances involve a very emotional, somewhat heated discussion with a close friend. To protect their privacy, I won’t go into specifics, but they really aren’t necessary- what is relevant is the dynamic we’ve had for the past several months. Cal (my friend), has been going through a difficult time in his life and sometimes due to being super stressed, he had a tendency to become short with me and was often difficult to talk to. Because I felt bad for all he was going through, I never called him out on how our interactions made me feel. This led to me essentially enabling his behavior, and thus, it continued/escalated. Eventually, I grew resentful and began questioning whether or not the friendship was healthy for either of us.
Though my therapist had urged me to communicate my feelings to Cal months ago, I refused her advice. He’s already upset and me telling him I don’t appreciate his tone is only going to piss him off more and then he’s going to push me away, I thought. For added context, enforcing boundaries has often resulted in people no longer wanting to be in my life; hence me not having a relationship with either side of my family. Cal was the one person I told myself I couldn’t afford to lose, and so I kept my increasingly detrimental emotions to myself.
But, try as I may to avoid coming clean to my pal, there was no fooling my nervous system. The stress I’d been experiencing, both due to Cal and my ex-boyfriend, created the perfect storm within my body. Hives began to spread from my head to my toes, and relentless itching ensued. At night, my throat felt as if it were closing. Though (luckily) it never affected my ability to swallow food or water, it made sleep all the more elusive. Have I mentioned that I already have severe insomnia?
The Universe was telling me in its not so subtle way, to either be honest with Cal or risk more (and possibly worse) symptoms. I believe our bodies give us little slaps as a way of alerting us that something isn’t right. If we ignore those slaps and keep pressing on, those slaps turn into throat punches, and you may literally end up fighting for your life.
I wish I could say that after all that it was me who initiated our talk, but in fact, it was Cal. He knew the dynamic of our friendship had been suffering and started a dialogue detailing how things were from his perspective. Initially I was the one who was bitchy and unpleasant to talk to because all the anger and frustration I’d been withholding came pouring out of me. A part of me blamed Cal for my health issues, which instantly transitioned into me blaming myself for not telling him sooner. In truth, choosing not to be honest with Cal, was essentially me deciding for him what he could and couldn’t handle. It was a decision that wasn’t mine to make, for only he could conclude what my truth meant for him. Cal was blindsided by my revelation- not just how strongly I felt, but how long I’d let it continue, which highlighted my lack of trust in him. It was a breach I could only hope we’d be able to overcome.
What this taught me was that even if we strongly believe the other person should know exactly what they’re doing and how they’re making us feel, until we lay all the cards on the table, we’re not giving them the opportunity to make it right- to do better, and hopefully implement changes that validate our concerns. We can’t fix a problem if we don’t acknowledge it, and we can’t acknowledge it if we don’t know it exists.
Nevertheless, if your life (or someone else’s) is in danger, please get out immediately! My situation is/was not an emergency. I say that because when a dynamic has gotten to the point of being dangerous, it’s often still a natural tendency to make excuses for the other person and to stay. Admittedly, therapy (which has helped me to better understand my lifes’ situations), is a luxury not afforded to everyone. However, my hope is that if you see yourself in my story, maybe learning from my situation will make some occurrences easier to navigate, regardless of one’s access to therapy.
That said, I’m grateful to say that Cal and I not only persevered through our grievances, but are likely better and stronger than ever after finally speaking our truths. Due to the serious nature of our discussion, Cal suggested we do check-ins every so often to touch base on how we’re feeling. I believe that is a critical step in our healing process in order to avoid falling back into old patterns, which is so very easy to do. Although we determined our bond was/is worth fighting for, the fact is it’s still going to involve effort; every worthwhile relationship requires a continuum of energy flow- that is simply a fact.
I would like to conclude by circling back to this: The lies we tell ourselves only do further harm by creating limiting beliefs that ultimately form obstacles which never even existed- they are of our own making; the proverbial prison without bars. Fortunately, the vast majority of the time, our worst fears will never come to pass.
However, if speaking your truth does result in someone exiting your life, you should know it wasn’t you they sought- it was a fictional version of you they created in their mind.
At the end of the day, don’t we all deserve to be loved and accepted for exactly who and what we really are?