I’m going to begin this article by reiterating that I am a very spiritual person. Books such as The Afterlife of Billy Fingers, Journey of Souls, and Eyes of an Angel have had a profound influence on how I see life and the afterlife. When speaking about spirituality, let me clarify that I am merely coming from a place of my own personal experiences, and it is never my goal or intention to convert anyone to my way of thinking. We are all on our own individual paths in life and I have the utmost respect for that.
In order to delve into my recent epiphany regarding free will, first I’m going to give a brief rundown of what I believe to be true. I feel that we reincarnate and have many, many lives. I believe that the only thing that actually ever dies is our body; our soul is Source energy (some call it God), and is the essence of what we are truly made from. It cannot die/cease to exist. I believe we agree to the challenges we face prior to incarnation in order to strengthen our soul’s growth and encourage its evolution.
These beliefs have helped me tremendously because for me they answer the question of why would anyone sign up for the awful circumstances they face and how could a higher power ever allow those things to happen in the first place? Of course why we choose the lessons we do can be very nuanced, but the notion that our struggles aren’t random, but are actually planned in advance by us and indeed have a purpose has allowed me to make sense of the duality of life’s beauty and its chaos.
To be in a place where shitty things happen and have the wherewithal to ask myself what is this trying to teach me, is a beautiful thing because no matter how long it may take to acquire the answer, a trust has developed that things are happening for me and not to me. That reframe is essential for accepting what is, as opposed to fighting it and all the distress that then ensues.
Subsequently, my epiphany came while processing my recent break-up. Months after the fact, I was still grieving and struggling to accept my new reality. In my mind, I did what I had to do, but by no means was it what I wanted to do. Knowing it was for the best was of zero consolation, and thus I resigned to a constant state of suffering. If moving on was in fact a choice, it was one I resented having to make.
I felt this all while knowing that grieving is unique to everyone; there’s no right or wrong way to heal. However, in my case, grief became wallowing in victimhood. The fact was I had spent years mourning the end of our relationship while we were still together, and then again when we finally broke up for good. My point is, it’s critical to allow yourself to feel all of your feelings, and I certainly had. But my health was now suffering and I legitimately had come to a fork in the road.
Then it occurred to me that it was time to revisit my belief that I had signed up for this life. What exactly did this particular contract entail? Surely I hadn’t quit my dead-end job, wrote a memoir, started a business, devoted countless hours contributing to my FB page and blog site, so that I could then lose it all (myself included). In that moment, it became crystal clear to me that I’m meant for something more- even if I don’t yet know exactly what that is. What I do know is that continuing to give my energy to a relationship that was not a vibrational match for me was a prime example of how my free will was now at odds with my true purpose.
You see, at any time, we can flip the script and take our lives on a completely different trajectory than what we signed up for. We will still learn lessons that nurture our soul; however, it may take us more lifetimes to carry out our initial agreement. Suicide (a reminder-we can’t die) is actually another example of our free will altering this agreement; thus we will incarnate until we fulfill our obligation to evolve in a particular way.
In my situation, I realized that choosing victimhood and viewing life as a punishment was allowing my free will to derail my true intentions for myself. That is what finally gave me the strength to not only move on, but to surrender to what is possible instead of surrendering to pain without a purpose.
In case you’re wondering what the point is of signing up for things only to forget them, the answer (in part) is this: If we could recall our past lives and knew exactly why we are here, we would never be in the moment. We would spend every waking day trying to avenge those who wronged/hurt us in a previous life, or trying to find a long lost partner- it would be a disaster! With each incarnation we start anew, with traits and tendencies carried over from previous life experiences. Our spirit guides come to us in dreams, meditation, and various other methods of journeying inward. Also, deja-vu is oftentimes a memory, not simply a weird feeling we can’t explain, but it is indeed all relevant.
It is very important to note that our free will is what makes us human. We are not pre programmed robots, as we always have the power and the ability to choose and do as we please. We also have a higher self (Source, God) that is always available to us for guidance, as a constant reminder that we are never alone and we cannot get it wrong;)