We’ve all heard the saying “Once a cheater, always a cheater” and that the best way to predict future behavior is past behavior. But does that mean that we’re simply destined to repeat the mistakes of our past, no matter how diligently we strive for redemption? Well, due to personal experience (which is the premise for this BLOG), I have many thoughts on this topic, so buckle up!
I believe that in the vast majority of cases, change is very possible. The most telling factor is whether or not the person truly wants to change. If we’re doing something simply because we think it’s what we should do but it’s not really what we want to do, or if we’re merely changing for someone else, it doesn’t bode well for a successful outcome- at least not for the long haul.
I’ve said this before, shame is a terrible motivator!
Additionally, and equally as important is this- it’s critical that we feel worthy of the change we’re seeking, because if you don’t feel deserving of a better state of being, then it’s a lot harder to achieve, and a lot easier to talk yourself out of once progress is being made.
Now I’m going to do what I like to do whenever I feel like I’m getting preachy- I’m going to use my own history as an example.
If people couldn’t change, I would still be hooked on drugs or I would’ve overdosed a long time ago. I haven’t done hard drugs (cocaine, meth) since I was 21- I turn 48 next month. Admittedly, I wasn’t in a place where I required rehab to get clean, but I did have to change where I lived, where I worked, and all of my friends in order to begin/have a new life.
Additionally, though I have cheated on boyfriends in the past, and I wrote in my memoir about the numerous affairs (mostly emotional, but equally as damaging) that I had during my marriage. Notably, my last relationship was five years long and straying never even occurred to me.
But here’s the thing- I grew up believing I was a piece of shit, therefore the allure of the high I got from drugs was intoxicating. I was no longer a lame wallflower; I was the life of the party! In terms of past relationships where I was unfaithful (especially my marriage), I never felt good enough for or deserving of, the men I was with. Things changed for me when I forgave myself for my past and stopped defining myself by my mistakes and the false messages I received about myself as a child.
Though I’m far from perfect now, this ability to absolve myself of past indiscretions by learning from them and vowing to do better has allowed me to dispose of this damaging, self-fulfilling prophecy once and for all; it is what made change possible.
One more saying that I feel is so relevant and so true in reference to this topic is this: “People change when the discomfort of staying the same outweighs the discomfort of change.”
This is one of the most common reasons people don’t/won’t change- they have made peace with how things are- even if it feels shitty. They don’t necessarily like it. Maybe they wish they weren’t that way at all, but as long as it seems to work for them, change isn’t likely. We often fear the unknown far more than the comfort of the devil we know. At least this way, we’re certain as to what to expect- it’s not ideal, but at least it’s familiar and there’s an intrinsic comfort to that.
This brings to mind my own mother. She was an alcoholic who passed away in 2009. At times she tried to get sober, but ultimately her attempts failed. She had a desire to get better but not only was booze her tried and true companion, the one thing she could always count on, she was never able to overcome the childhood that confirmed her worthlessness. Because of her addiction, I grew up feeling resentful that I wasn’t reason enough for her to change.
I’ve since decided to forgive her for the same reasons I forgave myself; because I now have a better understanding of how hard it is to change and why people often can’t or don’t, and that has allowed me to have great compassion for my mom, and for the childlike version of myself.
That being said, I will leave you with this: change is often quite nuanced and can be very difficult. However, I remain confident that it’s possible for most of us, and worthwhile for all who are able recognize its value, and our own value, so that we may embody the changes necessary to live our lives to the fullest.