I was at the library a while back, minding my own business, when I heard a voice. “I can’t believe you’re wearing that! You look like a whore! No one will ever take you seriously dressed that way!” It was a voice I hadn’t heard in quite some time, but I definitely recognized it- the voice was coming from inside me.
I was baffled because I had on shorts, which were pretty modest compared to the butt-cheek baring teens of the present day. So the issue must’ve been my shirt. It was tight and I had on my strapless push-up bra, which ensured I was now a full B-cup. However, my midriff wasn’t visible, and my now somewhat ample bosom was fully covered as well. I suppose my attire was somewhat risque for me, but certainly not for the average woman my age.
The criticism became so severe- I even admonished myself for the book I chose; it was for a light read, nothing serious. Still, the voice inside my head insisted “Even your book is all fluff and no substance!” Wtf? I was so frazzled I went home and changed immediately.
Luckily, I had a session with my therapist, Aja shortly thereafter. I explained the insanely harsh critique I’d unleashed upon myself hours prior. “Hmmm, I wonder what part that was?” she mused. Aja had done IFS training, and though I’d found this method helpful in the past, I was now regretting allowing dust to settle on the book I’d purchased months ago- Introduction to Internal Family Systems. “I have no idea,” I responded cluelessly. I was embarrassed that my unwanted voice being a “part” had not even occurred to me.
“What comes to mind, I suppose, is that when I was a teenager, I dressed rather provocatively. The voice I heard today was like a little old lady condemning my inner teen for her choice of attire. She was worried for me because we’ve made so much progress as of late helping me to improve my reputation as a deep, thoughtful, and spiritual person- someone with real depth. But if I keep dressing the way I did today, it’s all for nothing; no one will take me seriously.” “Aha! so your inner teenager is an exile, and the old lady sounds like a manager!” Aja squealed with enthusiasm. “We need to figure out why your manager feels the need to protect you in this way.”
Though my manager had a point (I’d spent much of my life being promiscuous and lacking any sense of self-respect), she was clearly overreacting! That said, it’s important to note that there is nothing wrong with an adult having lots of consensual sex, but when I was younger I usually had sex for a sense of power and oftentimes, a false sense of love- in other words, for all the wrong reasons. So, in that context, it had a lot of negativity attached to it.
Thankfully, all my attention as of late, has been on building a business, writing, and becoming the person I would like to date- even if dating is not in the cards for my future. I feel as though who I’m becoming is the real me: independent, self-aware, and confident.
That said, I can see why this particular part doesn’t want to go back to the way things were; because as a teenager I was lost and confused, and looking to sex as a form of intimacy I neither understood nor was capable of. Achieving the male gaze was all about control, which was something I rarely had or felt growing up. Since, at the time, I perceived myself as undeserving of love, physical intimacy was as close to love as I was ever going to have.
This trip down memory lane has allowed me to understand the protective nature of this part that was relentlessly shaming me. I realize that the concept of each of us having parts inside us that serve various purposes can be confusing and even frustrating. However, we all have those voices coming from within, and oftentimes we neither like nor agree with what they’re saying. IFS has helped me to understand those voices by assigning a part to them. Every part we have was formed by us and for us at some point in our life as a protective measure. Even the part that I describe in this article, as ruthless and cruel as she seemed to be, was only trying to safeguard me from repeating past mistakes.
Our parts are like individual people, in that they just want to be heard and understood. If we acknowledge them by saying something like “Thank you for looking out for me. I can handle it from here,” we keep them from going on the defensive and getting louder- and no, ignoring them won’t make them go away! Also, this form of acknowledgement allows us to take our power back.
You may have heard the saying “We are not the voices in our head.” This is exactly what is meant by that. Our parts serve a purpose. They can be great allies if we honor them and listen to the message they’re sending. However, it’s our higher Self that is the touchstone- that is who we truly are at our core. Our higher Self is love, light, and wisdom. It will never be critical of you, but it will always see the value of self-improvement. It will always search for the deeper meaning of a part that is at surface level, nothing more than a bully.