Last year (2024) got off to a bumpy start for me. I was entering my second year of ketamine therapy, and though it was helping tremendously, I still felt stuck. I was baffled because I was doing all the things you’re supposed to do: I was active, I meditated and journaled consistently, along with attending weekly visits to my therapist, Aja. Things were also looking up in the career department as I was starting a business, and aside from that, my boyfriend and I were in couple’s counseling to work through our issues. On paper, things were looking pretty damn good and I should have been feeling great. However, it wasn’t until my boyfriend and I broke up that I realized the mixed messages I’d been putting out into the universe, and in turn, how that had impacted every single area of my life.
We’d been dating for five years and although there was a lot of love there, it hadn’t been healthy for quite some time. Because of this fact, I had to lower my frequency to keep trying to make it work, knowing full well it wasn’t likely to happen under the circumstances.
I feel compelled to explain that lowering my frequency is not akin to me lowering myself to his level, because I believe no one is better than anyone else due to the fact we are all made of the same thing, which I call Source energy and we’re all on our own individual journeys. Therefore it’s important to emphasize that the key word here is not better or worse, but different.
Notably, a person on a higher frequency is no better than someone on a lower frequency; they are simply existing on a different vibration. Though one principal difference is that by nature of being on a higher frequency, one will certainly always feel better than someone on a lower frequency.
So what’s my point with all of this? My point is that I was paddling really hard upstream, hoping to feel better and have a more fulfilling life while I was simultaneously choosing to lower my vibration on a daily basis. I was saying to the universe “I really, really want x, y, and z, but I’m also willing to settle for a lower frequency state of being.” And whether you believe in the law of attraction or not, paddling really hard upstream will never get you to your desired location.
Once I began healing, I was able to reallocate my energy strictly to endeavors that were in alignment with my goals. Equally as important- I was able to nurture and protect Little Heather while doing so, which meant my energy was also in alignment with my core values, the main one for me being peace.
All this to say, I can’t help but wonder how many of us are sending mixed messages in our quest for a more fulfilling life. How many of us are working our butts off in order to achieve what we’re meant for, while simultaneously allowing for situations that put us in complete opposition to those very desires?
My hope is that by sharing my experience with you, that you will recognize this pattern if it pertains to you, and maybe even get a jump-start on getting out of your own way. Once you do this you’ll be amazed- not only at how much more attainable your goals seem, but also how much awaits you when your energy aligns with the things you value most!
Update: So, after I’d completed this article something unexpected happened- my ex reached out to me. Long story short, over the past nine months he’s been doing the deep work of healing and in speaking to him again, I’ve gotten a better look at my own role in the demise of our relationship.
Though my experience is certainly on a lesser scale, it reminded me of one key aspect of Glennon Doyle’s story. She met and fell in love with her current wife Abby Wambach while on a tour promoting her book Love Warrior, which was about her fighting to save her marriage to her then husband- talk about a conundrum! She spoke about the dichotomy of how it felt to find the love of her life while also feeling conflicted about how it fucked up the narrative she had constructed for herself and shared with the world.
Now that I have reconciled with my ex, I wondered whether or not it would be disingenuous to publish this article. The fact is, if I can be happy and at peace while being in a relationship with this man, then I’m still in alignment with my values, and that is the ultimate goal.
However, this time around, I know what’s at stake if that isn’t possible. This time around existing at a lower frequency in order to make things work is not on the table, and that is a lesson I’m happy to have learned and will continue to navigate.
That said, I will continue to live life in a way that allows me to be true to myself and I hope you will do the same- life is too short not to;)