I’m not sure where to begin with this article. I’m struggling as most of you are, and many have it far worse than me. I’ll be honest, my brain kind of broke seeing Elon give the Nazi salute at the inauguration. Approximately one million things have happened since then and I’m still processing that damn salute!
Because of all this, my plan to go off of ketamine to explore other psychedelics has been upended. I’ve since realized that the fleeting moments of peace and wisdom it offers me are not something I’m willing to part with any time soon, given all the uncertainty that befalls us. Ketamine is another thing that’s further been tainted by Musk, along with anything Tesla related. Unlike him, however, I take mine in conjunction with therapy, whereas he’s been known to brag about not being in therapy which brings me to this plea- Dr. Mr. Musk, might I recommend that you give it a try? You could even bring Donald and perhaps do a couples session- work on those pesky God complexes you both seem to be afflicted with. Just kidding, but not really.
I keep coming back to the question “Why am I here?” It’s deep, I realize, but if you know me at all, you know that’s my jam. I signed up for this. I believe we all did and that we’re not here during this specific time in history purely by happenstance. In order to keep my brain from imploding entirely, I choose to focus solely on myself when pondering this question. The rest of you have your own individual purposes and paths, and like me, you’ll have the answer to that convoluted question eventually. True to form however, I’m impatient AF, and therefore unwilling to wait till I enter the spirit world to receive the answer, which I strongly feel came to me during my last ketamine session.
I will preface this epiphany I’m about to share with this little nugget of info- I’ve recently decided to close my business (Serene Journeys). I was going to combine ketamine sitting with spiritual mentoring and end of life care. I had the website, the training (certifications), the business cards, etc. I was ready to go! After several months of going to meet-ups, advertising, and putting myself out there, I realized if my business was going to be viable, I would need to start educating the public on what exactly it is that I was offering. On the plus side, I was getting in on the ground floor with these new and exciting career opportunities. On the downside, because they were so new and so niche, they were a tough sell.
During a recent therapy session with Aja I realized that I didn’t want to have to give speeches and seminars- I just wanted to do my thing. In short, I concluded that at least for now, entrepreneurship wasn’t for me. I felt humiliated, and like a total failure, which has been a running theme throughout my life. It’s one thing to be in your twenties and not know who you’re going to be when you grow up, but to be forty-eight years old and feel like you’re starting over is a whole other level of lost.
Upon processing this, my suicidal ideation came back with a ferocious intensity. Dammit! Aja assured me that as troubling as that may be, it’s also a hardwired train of thought that’s been with me my entire life. It’s my safety mechanism (the irony is not lost on me), my default setting. When I get overwhelmed, that is the sweet escape theory my brain returns to. It says to me “Don’t worry. It’s going to be alright, and if not, there’s always this option.”
Unlike Earth, there’s no division in the afterlife. No money. No haves and have nots. No religion. No hate. No evil. No greed. Just peace, love, bliss, and redemption. At times this poses a bit of a conundrum, for I don’t fear death at all- I actually look forward to it in many regards (see above list). What I fear is suffering. Earth is known in the spirit world for being the most difficult planet to inhabit, and the older the soul, the harder it is because the more evolved one is the less you feel like you belong here. But contrast (suffering via hardship) is how we grow and evolve. Double dammit!
Which leads me to the message I received during my last ketamine session. “Can you love yourself no matter what, and can you refrain from attaching yourself to outcomes?” In other words, can I still love who I am even if things don’t go according to plan? It’s one thing to have goals and hopes for the future, but I have been tying my self-worth to the outcomes of my endeavors for as long as I can recall, which has led to a lifetime of self loathing.
I’ve tried many things since leaving the Big Box Store in 2020, and though most haven’t panned out, I love that I aimed for the stars, even if it meant falling on my face repeatedly. And I can honestly say that I love myself for having taken the leap. I love that I’ll never look back and say “What if?”
Honestly, it depends on the day- today, in this moment, I am capable of loving myself unconditionally and that is the best I can do.