My therapist Aja recently confided, “If I’m honest, out of all the ketamine clients I’ve had, only you and one other person have gone beyond the eight session threshold.” I was in shock upon hearing this; especially because to date, I have about sixty ketamine sessions under my belt. You read that right, 6-0. Aja’s confession was also somewhat confusing because for a year now I’d been expressing my excitement about becoming a sitter for those on medicinal ketamine, which was always met with equal enthusiasm from Aja. I vividly recall an appointment several months ago where she exclaimed “I’m so excited for you! The ketamine industry is really popping off right now!”
Though I am processing this in real time, it’s important that I clarify a couple things: I’m not worried about the safety of having had so many ketamine sessions as I’m under the care of a NP and when taken as directed for medicinal purposes, ketamine is one of the safest prescriptions available. Additionally, I do not blame Aja for decisions I made as an adult; I am merely using this article to figure out what I’m feeling.
I’ve often said to Aja and anyone who’ll listen, I prefer a hard truth over an easy lie any day because the truth is coming for us eventually, and I’d rather be prepared. Aja has undoubtedly been a huge supporter of my endeavors and the best cheerleader I could ask for. In retrospect however, I never wanted a cheerleader- objectivity has always been the goal; the kind of tell it like it is, no nonsense approach that I don’t feel I received until it had become painfully obvious to me that apparently I wasn’t entrepreneur material after all. “Here’s the thing, Heather, I have no doubt that you are fully capable of doing the things you set out to accomplish, but on average, it takes five years to create a viable/stable business and you’ve never had that kind of time. Also, the avenues you chose were very hard to succeed in; they were possible, but very, very difficult.” I believe this was her way of comforting me, this come to Jesus moment, as she followed it by asking that I please show myself some grace. Through a stream of tears and squeaky voice I assured her that this was helpful information and though it sucked (to say the least), It was what I needed to hear.
After several days passed, I began to feel the prickly discomfort of rage. Why hadn’t she told me all this months ago? Granted, she was gracious enough to let me display my business cards in her waiting room and I will forever be indebted to her for the gesture, but had I known she had almost zero clients that she knew of who would benefit from my services (my sitting business was for people who were at the maintenance stage of ketamine therapy- beyond the 6 to 8 session protocol), I would’ve been more informed as to the viability of what I was trying to do. I went from life coaching, to ketamine sitting, to death doulaing- each seemingly more niche than the previous one- obviously (in hindsight) a pattern was forming. I’m not saying I wish she would’ve tried talking me out of it, but in retrospect I wish she would’ve helped brace me for the uphill battle I was facing instead of always shaking her pom poms, shouting “You’ve got this!”
Of course I need to have this conversation with her, and not simply vent via a blog article. Also, one held a gun to my head and forced me to pursue anything- it was all my choice. Still, a part of me wants my anger to go somewhere other than myself; part of me wants someone else to be at least somewhat responsible for my being back at square one.
But honestly, what good does that do anyone?
The biggest cause of unhappiness is the inability to make peace with what is, and for me that represents the culmination of all the paths I’ve chosen, for better or worse. Blaming, passing the buck, no matter how warranted it may seem, is merely me contributing to my own misery.
I’m reminded of Roy, the therapist I saw prior to Aja. I was seeing him during Covid and although he had multiple degrees and had been a licensed therapist for over thirty years, he found himself driving for Lyft in the evenings just to try and make ends meet. Though I’m sure it was taxing on him physically and emotionally, I never would’ve known it given his demeanor during our sessions. He didn’t then decide he was a failure because things didn’t end up the way he’d planned. My boyfriend is another example of resilience- he had his own construction business for nine years, which was his dream, only to lose it all because of the housing crisis of 2008. Currently he’s a manager at D.R. Horton. In both cases, neither of them would have avoided their circumstances, but they also proved they weren’t powerless.
That said, in my next session I will be transparent with Aja because a good therapist (or human-being in general) will always thank you for having these uncomfortable discussions with them, as it gives them the opportunity to honor your truth. It also gives them the opportunity to let you down. Either way, the reality of your dynamic will then be revealed and what you do with that information is entirely at your discretion.
During a time when it seems our freedoms and overall autonomy are in jeopardy, it’s critical to realize the ability to choose where we focus our attention, thus what we give our energy to, is a power that no one can ever take away and an inner voice which can never be silenced.