There is no easy or right way to tell someone you love that you’re not attracted to them. No matter how humble or polite you try to be you will sound like an ungrateful asshole. Then talk shows where the (clueless) guy is berating the mother of his children for gaining weight come to mind. To keep this information to yourself however, is sabotaging your relationship. The other person can’t address the issue or work to fix it if they don’t know it’s a problem. We essentially had the same discussion over and over for several years. First, he was overwhelmed- feeling that the fate of our relationship fell exclusively on his shoulders. He had to lose about fifty pounds or I would eventually cheat and hate myself, and of course tell him because he deserved that much. Then, when it seemed he had given up on losing the weight, he would tell me if I cheated it was his fault for letting me down and not doing what he knew he had to do.
I had offered to work out with him and help prepare healthy meals. This always seemed easier said than done. We’d do well for a while, then inevitably go back to our old ways. It was very much taking one step forward and two steps back.
By the time our wedding rolled around, Will had lost thirty pounds drinking protein shakes for dinner. This was how I could reconcile walking down the aisle regardless of our troubles. But as anyone who has gone on a honeymoon to an all-inclusive resort knows, gaining weight is not only easy, but almost a rite of passage.
As the years went by, we found comfort in dining out and spending money on frivolous things- flatscreen t.v., speakers, stuff for the home gym. But when the rush from all that spending wore off our marriage was in real trouble
.
One evening I had stayed up all night (often times, Will would sleep on the couch), writing up a budget on how I could afford to live on my own. This is what things had come to. I knew it would mean a huge reduction in my current standard of living. I couldn’t afford the mortgage, so I’d have to live in an apartment. I’d have to leave our cats. Worst of all, I’d have to say goodbye to the best thing that had ever happened to me, my husband. How did all those hopes and dreams turn into one big nightmare?
When I told Will (sobbing hysterically) how I was feeling, he immediately started Slimgenics. He told me that if I could hang in there and give this a shot, he’d do everything to make it work..
After following a very strict diet, eating their ( processed) foods and snacks, swallowing their pills and potions- oh, and vowing not to exercise- he lost the weight. The mindset was that if you worked out and put on muscle, it would deter your progress when you weighed in several times a week because their only focus was pounds lost. Gaining muscle weight would only add confusion. I didn’t like that part of it, and he didn’t like consuming all the artificial crap- but thousands of dollars and five months later he was what I’d asked him to be, fifty pounds lighter. End of story right? Not exactly.
Right around that time, I had lost my best friend. She didn’t pass away or anything (thank God). We just realized that we were too different and had different priorities. She was also 14 years younger than me, which surely had something to do with it.
I remember asking Will to stop and get some goodies on his way home. I was about to partake in a binge of epic proportions. So many times I had binged because my marriage was failing. It was how I dealt with things spiraling out of control. Plus, if I got fat and had acne, perhaps no one would want to mess around with me anyway. It was a win win in my f-cked up, delusional world.
I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he had lost the weight and I was still binging. I was so distraught about losing my friend that it never occurred to me that I was sabotaging Will’s success. Sure, you could argue that I wasn’t forcing him to eat anything, and he is a grown man. But he needed me now more than ever to maintain this new chapter in his life that he’d worked so hard to attain. Emotionally, I was worlds away.
I should admit that when Will and I first got together I was the one with the sweet tooth. He never really ate candy or things of that sort- until I entered the picture. So I always felt partially to blame for his weight struggles.
In time, Will gained all the weight back and then some. It was a couple years before I could bring myself to tell him I still wasn’t happy.
We started counseling, even sex therapy. We wanted the same things, but as long as he was physically where he was, we were doomed. In 2014, we decided that if we were in the same boat a year from then, we’d go our separate ways.
It was December of 2014, when Will discovered the Primal Blueprint. He was excited to try this new way of life. He wanted it for himself. It wasn’t a weight- loss plan; it was a way of life designed to improve how you feel, eat, exercise and associate with others i.e., less t.v. And social media- more human interaction and sunlight (vitamin D).
I haven’t binged in over a year. Will has lost 25 pounds. We’ve gained hope for the future and a world of possibilities (priceless). Marriage is work. I would hear older people say that, and smile and nod- not comprehending what it meant. People/marriages are not perfect- you will mess up; what really matters is that (if you really believe in it) you never give up. Not on the relationship, but most importantly, yourself.