First, my apologies for taking such a long break from my blog. It’s been almost a year. You can probably tell from the title of this entry that my marriage has failed. For anyone who has gone through a divorce, you already know that it is one of the hardest things you’ll ever endure. I moved out of our house last August- it is now almost February 2018. I went through what I can best describe as my “toxic train wreck”phase. I’ll delve into that, all the while admitting I’m not out of the woods yet.
I should also note that the focus of my blog has shifted from bio hacking to my experience as a newly single woman in her forties.
I can best describe divorce as waking up in a foreign country with amnesia. I say this because you feel like nobody really knows you or understands you, and quite honestly, you yourself question who the hell you are! Your future, that was once so meticulously planned out it now up in the air. Your friends may look at you differently now for two reasons: one, because you are now single- you possibly become a threat to their marriage because now you might hit on their spouse and at minimum, you represent the possibility of their own failed union. The second reason, is that often times, people feel they need to take sides. This happens a lot in bitter divorces. I am grateful that we are seeking mediation, and are able to face this amicably.
Oh, and then there’s the whole treat divorce like a death concept, because essentially, it is. Your ex is still alive, but once the legalities are settled, you may never see them again. Depending on the circumstances, you may not want to. Regardless, you are losing that person in many ways. You thought you would grow old with them and have them by your side for the rest of your days- now you just might die alone! Is it any wonder this is often the point at which many people contemplate or even succeed at committing suicide, or take up drinking as a full-time sport?
So why did my marriage end? For those of you who have been following our story, it probably doesn’t come as much of a surprise. My desire for my husband has been almost non existent for about 12 years. This caused me to have a wandering eye/mind and left me feeling as though I no longer deserved him. Truth be told, I didn’t, but I knew what I had and I couldn’t let it go without a fight. He was my whole family- I’m estranged from most of my biological family. He was stability and he represented love. It never occurred to me that I’d be happier without him. Sure, I’d have better sex, but I was hanging in there-wisely choosing love over passion. What I didn’t realize, is that without sex to bond you, you start to fall out of love, and ever so slowly, it chips away at your bond. We really didn’t stand a chance, did we? Ultimately, it was my decision to walk away. I was finally doing the right thing. I still wanted to crawl into a hole and die- after all, it wasn’t my decision to fall out of love with the best thing that ever happened to me. It just got to a point where I knew if I stayed I was going to cheat, and that was the only way I could hate myself more than I already did.
Awww sex! It always comes down to sex for me! And, quite frankly, that’ll probably always piss me off! But that is for another time and another entry. I promise this time it won’t take a year;)