A month ago I finished my memoir, which took me about four months months to write. Though it seemed to come together rather quickly, first I had to overcome indulging the negative voices in my head. I swear, no one could be more cruel to or more critical of me than my own self! Half the battle was believing that I was even capable of writing a book, and the other half was believing that it would even be worth reading once completed. I am now convinced that not only did I finish (mostly) my book, but that it is destined to be a future best-seller!
It seems the catalyst for my memoir happened about two years ago. I was meditating before going to work, and during that meditation, I heard the words “It’s bigger than you.” I instantly got shivers all over my body! At the time, I had no idea what that even meant, but it excited and inspired me nonetheless. Now that I’ve had the privilege of writing my memoir, it’s clear that those words were in reference to my journey- my time on earth.
While constructing my book, and even now, I was overcome with the notion that this is a damn good book. You might be saying “Of course you’d think that, after all, it’s your book!” While that can and does tend to compromise one’s perspective, I can’t take full credit for the things I wrote. The entire process truly felt like an out of body experience! I guess what I’m saying is that I was merely a vessel for sharing the many messages the Universe wanted to convey. In other words- it’s bigger than me.
However, bringing my memoir to fruition posed challenges I never saw coming due to my extreme naivete. I thought because I’d spent almost half my life in therapy that I was more than prepared for that endeavor. While having a shrink certainly helped, reliving all your traumas past and present and reconciling them is an undertaking not for the faint of heart! During this process I had many breakdowns, but in addition to that pain came several revelations, and healing in ways I never even knew was necessary.
Writing my book was part of the journey of finding myself again. My forties have been a nonstop exploration and reinventing of me. I got a divorce, quit a job I’d had for almost twenty three years (I’d been burned out for fifteen of them), bought a condo, wrote a book and now I’m in the next phase of this whirlwind I call life. I’m continuously grateful for this opportunity to live, not just exist.
I spent most of my life settling for the monotony of the daily grind, because it was safe and predictable. By no means was I alone in this existential mediocrity- I would venture to say that the vast majority of people fall into this category. I am no better than them; I simply saw an opportunity and decided to take a leap full of uncertainty, risk and personal growth. Though it could all go horribly wrong, had I not made this choice, I would’ve certainly looked back on my life filled with regret- and that knowing makes it all worthwhile.