We’ve all heard the saying, nice guys finish last. Time and time again, I’ve had countless male friends lament over how simply being a decent guy has inevitably bitten them in the ass. “I don’t understand, every time we went out I asked her what she wanted to do; I would make the whole night about her, and then eventually she just lost interest.”
One crazy thing to consider is the possibility that it’s not necessarily that people like being mistreated- from a lust standpoint, you may not prefer a bad boy, but simply crave the excitement and intrigue of bad boy sex. You know, less polite, and more primal.
For years we’ve all heard the saying “Women should be a lady on the streets, and a freak under the sheets.” The notion that this only applies to women is absurd; but I would be remiss to imply that the growing concern (that nice people finish last) is only sexual in nature- I believe it runs much deeper than that.
Complicating matters is that not all people appreciate the same things. For example, one person might appreciate chivalry, while another might find it offensive. One individual might enjoy lots of affection, whereas another may need time to warm up; and even then, they may never find things such as PDA to be comfortable or acceptable. Then there’s the fact that some people want a spur of the moment partner and find that exciting; others (like myself) need an itinerary with special ops level detail and precision to fully appreciate a date, as it helps tremendously with my anxiety.
So what is a person to do when all these variables are at play, and how does one navigate the minefield that is modern dating? Though I am far from an expert, and will never claim to be, consider this: what if the issue was never about being nice to begin with?
I believe there is one universal concept when it comes to desirability, and that is self-respect. Beware of anyone who prefers you to be self-loathing, because what they likely want is to manipulate and control you, which is much easier to accomplish if you don’t like yourself. In addition, they will often see your self-love and self-respect as a threat to their own ego/agenda.
Emotionally healthy people see self-respect as a desirable quality- this I can assure you!
Now, if we go so far as to make someone else our everything, and we are forever putting them on a pedestal, even to our own detriment (you know, being really, really nice), it’s typically perceived as desperate more so than sweet. I have had to learn this the hard way. It can also put too much pressure on the other person, which often results in them pushing us away.
Ask yourself this: do you forgo things that matter to you at the drop of a dime based on your beloved’s every whim? Do you agree with everything they say, just to make them happy? Do you make plans based on what they want, never considering what you want? These are examples of things that can easily be perceived as being nice, but on a much deeper level are symbolic of a lack of self-respect.
I’m not implying that the answer is to go to the opposite end of the spectrum and become self absorbed and/or give up on the notion of being a decent human being; the solution for many people is found somewhere in the middle.
I believe whenever we take literally any ideal to an extreme it has great potential to do more harm than good.
The saying I love is “When deciding whether or not to disappoint yourself or someone else, always choose them.” If you lose someone because you chose not to disrespect yourself, you still won in the long run- I promise you.
In closing, I hold firm to the notion that few things are more attractive than a person with healthy boundaries and self-respect. And by all means, be nice, but don’t forget that that includes knowing your worth and being kind to yourself. Now that is sexy, and I would go so far as to say that by not disappointing yourself in the process, you will never feel as though you’ve finished last again;)