After sending my boyfriend Rick the contents of my previous article, he was (understandably) concerned. “You have to share this with your Dr. and therapist immediately!” he insisted. My functional Dr. had been helping me manage my hormones and overall health. I obliged, and shared it with them the following day.
As time passed, I found myself reading it to friends as well; they thanked me for being vulnerable with them. This is the blessing of surrounding yourself with people who are on the same frequency, be it friends, lovers, or healers.
Because I realized many months ago that my bouts of darkness were becoming more prevalent, I began taking SAM-e. Though it helped lessen the suicidal ideation, it took this latest episode for me to realize it wasn’t enough. I was even willing to go back on antidepressants, but the dry mouth they cause is a dealbreaker. I currently take a prescription called Evoxac, which is for cancer patients who battle dry mouth as a side effect of chemo. I still resort to the Evoxac, even while using mouth tape with a humidifier next to my bed- but that’s another story.
I had tried HRT last year, only to find that I’m extremely sensitive and couldn’t tolerate the treatment. When I said I was scared in my last article, it’s not because I feared hurting myself, it’s because I feared running out of options.
“After careful consideration, I think you might be a good candidate for ketamine therapy,” my therapist, Ray, concluded that Ketamine has been around for about fifty years, starting out as an anesthetic. In the eighties, it began doubling as a party drug called Special K, due to its mind altering effects. Because the latter was all I knew about it, I was skeptical, yet open to the possibility. Both Ray and Dr. Henke were/are on board with this treatment approach, so I reached out to Aja, a local therapist (Ray lives in South Dakota), whom Ray assured me was certified in ketamine therapy. She’s also in the process of becoming certified in microdosing therapy as well. That is my plan B if the ketamine doesn’t work. I have my first appointment with Aja next week.
There are several methods of administering ketamine into your system: lozenges, nasal spray, infusions, and injections. Aja uses the lozenge method. The treatment is very pricey- $300 per 3 hour session, though prices likely vary depending on where you go- the injections cost more. I will need a minimum of 6-8 sessions and possibly more in the future for maintenance. Microdosing psilocybin can also help with anxiety and depression, and is a less expensive way to go. However, psilocybin treatment can be difficult to come by, as most states haven’t approved of it’s use for medicinal purposes, and it hasn’t been studied nearly enough and therefore, isn’t scientifically backed the way ketamine currently is.
That said, once again, I am feeling optimistic. I don’t expect to magically be rid of my depression; I simply want to have some balance. I can no longer tolerate or accept the tail wagging the dog, roller coaster ride my hormones seem to prefer. My perspective tells me this is happening so I can share it and (hopefully) help others. That is the real me; the version that will never give up- never stop fighting the darkness.
I will keep you posted, and by the way, I hope you all have a Happy New Year full of hope and possibilities:)