Last year my therapist Aja brought up something called the IFS (Internal Family Systems) model. The basic premise is to heal the wounded parts of ourselves so we can be more understanding and compassionate towards ourselves and others. These are the three main types of parts:
Exiles– they represent psychological trauma, often from childhood; they embody pain and fear. Examples are the child-like version of ourselves that experienced bullying, abandonment, or neglect.
Managers- they take on a preemptive, protective role. They are often angry and exhausted; overworked and under appreciated. They tend to represent the critical, pessimistic, and self-limiting version of ourselves. They resent having to make up for the shortcomings and sensitivities of the exiled parts.
Firefighters- they emerge when exiles break out and demand attention. Their purpose is to make us feel better (putting out the fire) at all costs. Firefighter tendencies often includes numbing behaviors such as drug addiction, alcoholism, and cutting. Dr. Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS, describes firefighters in this way: “They often rebel against the shame that managers heap on them by increasing the destructiveness of their activities. It’s important to remember, however, that no matter how compassionately you treat your firefighters, they won’t be able to change as long as there’s a fire to be fought. In other words, until the exiles that they protect or distract you from are healed, your firefighters will still have the same impulses.”
Per Dr. Schwartz, some distinctions between managers and firefighters are that managers are typically anticipatory and very concerned about pleasing people; firefighters, on the other hand, tend to be impulsive and unconcerned about consequences.
When Aja first brought up the concept of IFS I thought it was interesting, but I failed to see how it pertained to me, and therefore, it became a moot topic. Fast forward six months- I began to feel myself oscillating from one extreme to another. I was either euphoric or I was bathing in suicidal ideation. There was no middle ground. Three months prior, I had my copper IUD removed and was feeling stable for the first time in years, so this return to despair was unexpectedly tragic. “Is this ever going to end?” I thought.
This is how my elation would play out; when I wrote my book I was convinced it would be a New York Times bestseller- there was no doubt or question in my mind. When I discovered Verse-Chorus, the online collaborative site for people with musical endeavors, I knew the songs I posted were destined to win Grammys! The crime isn’t that I believed in myself and had high hopes- though I often felt that way; the issue is that I was so ideological, and short-sighted. When my dreams would fall through, I became devastated. I began doubting whether or not I could trust my own judgment anymore. Then I would abandon my artistic endeavors altogether and scold myself for being so foolish and impractical. I was either chasing a dream or hating myself for dreaming in the first place. I felt psychotic.
After explaining this dichotomy to Aja, she brought up the IFS model once again. “So, if you could name the part of you that gets obsessive about your ambitions, what would you call her?” Aja pondered. I decided on Jubilant Jenny, because she’s bubbly and always so damn excited.
Importantly, it’s not a requirement to name parts, however, it can be helpful to better understand and separate them.
Jenny is my exile. Though she seems happy, the exuberance is a front. I’ve come to realize that Jenny’s insistence on success is due to her feeling like a failure. We grew up poor and I often felt like I didn’t measure up in any way. This feeling followed me into adulthood, as many often do. She’s not really happy- she’s insecure and scared shitless! When her attempts at success inevitably fall short, in comes Sad Sara, the manager.
Before I explain Sara, let me emphasize why Jenny’s efforts always fall short. You see, she knows it all and can even be arrogant at times. She doesn’t want or need help because she has all the answers. This leads to missed opportunities and short-sightedness. Jenny unknowingly cuts corners on her path towards excellence, and therefore, never ends up making it to her destination.
Sara then takes over to save the day. She is tired of having to come to Jenny’s rescue. She is the epitome of endlessly pouring from an empty cup. She’s angry and exhausted. Because all Sara ever does is clean up Jenny’s messes, she’s not only resentful, but ineffective as well. Her intention is to make Jenny feel better and to ensure her safety, but inevitably, she makes Jenny feel worse. Aja helped me realize that that is why I either felt on top of the world, or buried by the weight of it; my mental state depended on which part was more dominant at any given time. No wonder I thought I was going crazy!
The suicidal ideation I experienced when it all got to be too much, was the handiwork of my firefighter, Lois. Obviously suicide is not the answer, but to Lois, it was a quick resolution to the extreme anger, sadness, and frustration brought about by Sara, my exhausted, but well-meaning manager.
That said, it’s important to note that there are no bad parts, according to IFS. They are all trying to help in their own way- they all intend to protect us and are doing the best they can; therefore having understanding and compassion for them is essential.
Looking at myself through the lens of the IFS model has been a game-changer. I’ve always believed that I can overcome anything, as long as I know what I’m up against; understanding the parts that reside within me and what their tendencies are helps me make sense what seemed to be utter chaos.
For me, parts work takes you out of your body and lets you examine yourself from an outside looking in perspective so that you’re no longer trying to read the label from inside the bottle. This ability is the reason we can readily solve other peoples’ problems and yet be so easily confounded by our own.
Disclaimer: Whenever we do work on ourselves it is normal to feel worse before we feel better. It’s very difficult and can be extremely painful to delve into past traumas. This is why it’s important to seek a trained professional whom you feel safe with to guide you in exploring trauma via parts work or any other method.
My hope is that after reading this you’ll feel inspired to take a deeper look inward. More often than not, those voices in our head aren’t just noise; they’re parts of ourselves waiting to be set free, and the only one who has the power to do so is you;)