My relationship with my ex boyfriend was unorthodox, to say the least; so it’s only fitting I suppose, that our breakup would be as well.
In my last article, Breaking Open, I disclosed how I wasn’t even aware that I had broken up with him because of the strange circumstances under which it occurred.
Three weeks after that conversation he stopped by my place so we could finally exchange belongings. I believe we both chose to put it off because it simply doesn’t feel real until you exchange your things- you may have said the words, but at least you know you’ll see that person again. Truth be told, isn’t that the ultimate gut punch? It’s one thing to conclude that you’re better off not being a couple, but odds are that person was your best friend and closest confidant and now, just like that, you may never even see them again? Shit is brutal!
Obviously there are pros and cons to waiting so long to carry out this necessary objective. One major con is that a lot of healing can be done in three weeks’ time, and seeing your ex at this stage can undo most, if not all of the healing you’d experienced. Initially, I felt strong- even somewhat excited to see him; this was before we’d set a date for the exchange. The instant that date was determined my excitement quickly turned into dread and panic. I even developed a weird symptom where my throat feels as if it’s closing when I try to sleep at night, which is ongoing, and may require a visit to an ENT. I don’t know if the throat situation is related to the breakup or not, but it’s a proven fact that stress/trauma can cause myriad physical side-effects.
One important benefit of the delay is that nothing was said in the heat of the moment because we’d had plenty of time to carefully think things through. Though I cried the majority of the four hours we spoke, I’m forever grateful that we had that opportunity and always will be.
However, the lack of anger regarding my ex is a double-edged sword. For example, how much easier is it to move on when someone treats you badly? I’m not saying being abused in any form is preferable- I’m just saying that you can watch a million movies and listen to endless songs about the empowerment of ending such a dynamic because it’s (sadly) relatable. I’ve blasted I Will Survive after many a breakup (cliche as it it may be), but it doesn’t apply to my current situation because he was/is a great guy. That said, my heart really goes out to those who find themselves in downright dangerous situations where ending a union can mean putting your safety at risk. Undoubtedly, my scenario, though really sad, could have been far worse.
Thinking back, I honestly don’t recall the last time I was single by choice for any real length of time though I can easily trace my co-dependent nature to an unstable upbringing, chalk full of daddy issues. Throughout my life I’d always been searching for someone to complete me, without any clue as to how to complete myself. Ironically, I’ve had one single brain spotting session with Aja (my therapist), and the only message I received was this: I don’t want to end up like my mom- always counting on a man to ensure I’ll be alright financially and emotionally. Even more ironic (and unfortunate) is that the men she chose were often controlling and/or violent, but many times she could not afford to leave.
So, for me, it’s back to the ol’ drawing board in many respects. I have a lot to learn and much room to grow. I’m scared and I’m excited, and nothing is certain. But without a doubt, I finally feel as though I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
Well readers, I was going to leave it at that because what an uplifting ending, right? The previous portion of this article was written a week ago and in full transparency, I spent almost the whole day yesterday bawling over the break up. I’m not sharing this to bring the mood down- I’m sharing it to be real. Grief comes in waves; one minute you feel strong and certain, and the next you feel devastated and lost. That is the reality of this particular journey.
What I do know for sure is that learning to love myself and making my personal growth a priority can only be a good thing- regardless of how awful the process may feel at times:)